For the past three weeks, everything is different. The snow doesn't look as bright, the lights on the christmas tree are not shimmering. I go to bed exhausted and feeling numb. I wake up feeling nothing, but finding my legs and arms going right into the kahki pants and black polo.
I paint on a face every morning, but I never take the extra time to see how it looks. I am so used to this routine, I dont need to see me to see makeup.
I feel a lose of desire. I feel a loss of passion. The simple tasks in my life I used to enjoy, I say Why bother? I have a pounding pain in the back of my head that reminds me every day.. I dont feel the same. I miss before. I miss the innocence of not knowing whats to come and that being ok because I was still in school. I miss the excitement of wanting to go home.
The only one who can feel my great sadness is Jake. A simple laying of his head on my lap and a little whine lets me know he loves me and he knows I am hurting. He doesn't leave my side.
Everything I felt so grateful for, feels like a blur in my memory. The only thing I can see is the great sadness.
The only thing the great sadness is letting me see cleary is anger. When I let it I feel angry. I want to scream. I want to tell you everything I am feeling, whether or not it is right or not. The great sadness makes me isolate myself from you. And it sucks my energy to wonder if that is the right thing to do or not.
The great sadness controls my thoughts my actions, my words. The great sadness has my in a stand still. What to look forward to, if your not in my life? Why enjoy the next step of my life if you are not there? Why put so much energy into how much i love you, if you can't feel or give love? The void you have left in my life has allowed the great sadness to come in. It sucks. I wanna make it leave, but I can't I am exhausted. I can't sleep without you haunting me in my dreams. I can't complete daily tasks because of the sadness, I cant speak to the ones I love because of the fear you have instilled in me and I can't reach for my dreams because I now have none.
So as this new year happens again, I dont make any resolutions because it's whatever my choice or action is that completes that resolution. Only because I have God in my life do I know the great sadness will not stay with me forever. But as I go through this loss, it's there. Whether I like it or not.