My friends birthday... except he is not on this earth.

I have not wrote about Jonathan....not since he was murdered. Murdered. Can you believe it, one of my best friends, someone who I have some of the BEST memories with, was murdered, and the man who shot him, shot himself as well. A tragedy.

Today is his birthday. One day after my younger bro. Seths birthday. So I will always remember it. He would have been 31.

Shock enclosed my body for a few days.  How could Jonathan not be here anymore?
It's been really hard. I miss him so much. The only other person close to me in my life who has left this world was my grandpa. I did not attend his funeral because we lived in Virginia and they lived in Wisconsin.

My best friends funeral was my first one. Never would have guessed that. But I suppose it is our last first time experience together... man... we had so many good times.

I met Jonathan in Canandaiuga at Finger Lakes Community College. And in no exaggeration, those were the best years of my life. And those years Jonathan Eric and I were inseperable. We were wild, young, and free.  It took me 3 years just to get over missing Canandaigua and our times there... Many times Jonathan and I would agree and wish we could just relive those years..

I had not seen Jonathan in a whole year. Sure that doesn't seem too long when you are in the mood of having and raising babies, but when that person is gone, not here, a year seems like it is way more than 365 days...

About a week before Jonathan stood up to defend a girl and lost his life, I was thinking how we needed to get together he needed to meet Mackenzie....

You know if you are a parent of young kids, single people's lives just do not mesh. It was hard for us to get together..

I never took the time to call him...
Damn right.
But I have my guard up. I know there is a weakness for the devil to start to attack. I do not let him win. I rest in the fact that Jonathan and I were great friends and we loved each other dearly. I do not hesitate for a minute that he knows that.

2 days after I heard about Jonathan. He was in my head all day long. Making comments on my life, and joking with me. I am actually crying as I write this loving that he was with me, missing him right all over again. It makes you wonder about our spirits, watching over our loved ones.

In some ways his death opened my eyes to a life that can be so short and should never ever be taken for granted. He reminded me of who I am, that I am not just a mom. He reminded me of how much I love him and how he really was an amazing person in my life and also my husbands.

I am SO SO thankful for our memories we have. I am so thankful that he stood up in our wedding representing Eric and I. I am so thankful for his amazing family and knowing that he is with Jesus right now and how amazing it must be.

I am so thankful that Jesus tells me I will see him again. I am so thankful that I can feel Jonathan in so many things I do... but it's still hard. I am so glad that at the funeral his family shared stories to let us know that Jonathan and Jesus know each other.

Time heals wounds. That I know. So I am slow to my tears in knowing that it will pass and they will become less and that it is ok to be sad.

Today in honor of Jonathans birthday, we must drink. So I know that when my husband gets home we will drink... Its exactly what he would be doing, and he may even be doing in heaven.

I'll leave you with one of the many memories we share.

We were in Jonathans car man I can't even remember the kind it was, a bigger car that had some serious shocks going on.  We were just getting back from a party and I think we ended up leaving cuz we were bored. We pulled into the driveway of a pool and spa business. Jonathan Eric and I look at eachother. We smile.

"Wanna go in?"
"In our clothes?"
"Hell yeah."

Alright in and than out.

We get the nerve to go in. We are all in this little display pool outside on the corner of an intersection, laughing, smiling, nervously looking out for cops.

"Oh Shit, cops, duck."
Yep we went under water.
We pop out laughing and run out into his car. Wait was this car his grandmas? Or his moms. We get in the car wet nervous Jonathan drives off fast, nervous, he drives off the driveway onto the gravel of some sort, and he is really upset about the rocks and dirt getting under the car, because I cant remember whose car it was but he knew they would not be happy about it.
I remember giving him such a hard time, "Oh stop live a little, it will be fine" I said. I know he is smiling right now saying, Yes you were right Tas. Im glad we did everything that we did together. I miss you and I can't wait to hang out with you again....

Miss you so much....

Until we meet again...

It's been rough.

It's been rough. I have had highs and lows.

I have felt far and near from you.

And in this moment, all I want is to feel your comfort wrapped around me. For I do not know how I will take my next step without your guidance. When all else fails around me, I need my soul to rest in your embrace. Like the song says,

"For I am yours, and you are mine. "

Some mornings I wake up and say, " Again, I have to do this all over again?"  Hiding under the blankets is just not an option.

Some mornings I wake up to two little feet thump thump thump thump, and nothing but a big smile fills my entire body.

Some mornings I am awake, from the numerous times of being awake caring and tending and slowing my anger of getting no sleep, to just laying in my bed, wondering will my life lead to more?

And in all these moments, I am reminded "Let my faith be made stronger. Let me walk upon the waters"

Wher eever you would call me.

Some mornings I wake up and roll over and see the empty side of my bed, where its still slightly warm from my husbands presence. I sigh thinking when is the last time we cuddled in this bed? When is the last time we just looked at each other and said I love you without saying I love you.

Some mornings I open my eyes so fast and shoot my body straight up and grab my chest from the pain of a nightmare, a dream that slips over into reality, one where my brother needs me, he is weak and is crying out. But none of us can do anything in that moment, except for fall down on our knees and pray.

That same dream  I see my Mom with me and the girls getting a pedicure, but only my mom was a very old lady, and I think, How did time pass us by so fast?

Then  the pain in my chest reminds me of our physical distance, and those mornings I lay in bed and do not want to get out.

So in this stage of life right now, it is so challenging, and exhausting. There are moments that are etched in your heart and fill you with so much joy, and there are days where your tears fill your kitchen sink faster than your dishes.

I don't have any advice on how to really get through it, except for pray. Get down on your knees and surrender all your feelings to God. Get off Facebook seeing everyone who only posts the best moments in their life, because real life isn't a perfect picture. Raising kids isn't glorious every moment. We all struggle and we all succeed. There is only one who knows you so well, who designed and created your children for you, to you he gave these gifts. He believes in your efforts, your parenting. He loves you and wants you to seek him when you feel beat down and he will comfort you and love you endlessly.  And through that love you will get back up on your feet and carry on.

It will get better. :)

Yes I am saying all this to myself as well!

Together in Christ, we will succeed!

" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you may go." Genesis 28:15

My brother still fights..

It is truly amazing to think about the fact that I have two daughters and imagine the bond we will continue to deepen. All ready my girls are my world. But lately, I have been missing my mom so much it puts me in a fog. Really it's missing my family too, my dad, and my brothers.

When my first daughter was born my brother was extremely ill. I flew to North Carolina every couple months that first year. I took her on the plane for the first time when she was 2 months old and just two days before we left, she had a very congested lung and I had to bring a nebulizer with me. The nurse scared the crap out of me telling me if it gets worse take her to the ER right away..

I contemplated if I should go or not. But when I thought about my brother and what was happening to him the answer was obvious, Go.

Two and a half years it has been since my brother has been sick. I can't even say since he was diagnosed, because he is a "medical mystery".

It was the hardest year of my life. Looking back having a first baby was probably not as bad as I remember because I was so stressed from being away from my family with this medical crisis and not being able to do anything for any of them, especially Taylor.

We went down to the scariest point, slowly surfing back to the top, wondering if he would live to see another day.

Spirtually, my relationship with Jesus was on fire. I felt so close to him. I could feel him with me in every moment hear him and I stopped. Believed in an end to all the pain and suffering he was living with.

Now Taylor is at home, eating, and slowly doing better.  Eating.. he couldn't eat for so long. What a daily thing we take for granted. The taste of food, the choice. Just think so many of us get to chose whatever we want to eat.

Things haven't been so shaky for at least 10 months. Of course there have always been a few here and theres to the hospital. But after that first year much improvement.

And then my relationship with God seemed to dwindle a bit. Then I started to yearn for him everyday. When I didn't have any control over my brothers illness or my parents heartache, all I could do was pray.

It is amazing how just spending time talking with God every day changes everything in your view.

Now Taylor has to have another surgery. It looks like whatever this disease is, which they say it is resembling more Chron's but they really have no idea, is attacking him again.

He is 24 years old. He inspires me. He has shown such strength through all of this, so much I can feel my eyes well up with astonishment and sadness.
 Again it is so hard not being close to my family, wishing I could just pack up my life here and go there. The one thing I can do right now in this moment, is pray. Continue to be with God and feel comfort, encouragement, be reminded of those around me who are a blessing in my life, little reminders from God that he is here with us in everything that we do.

I will not fear the storm, my help is on the way.  I know that if we ask he will be there, and that even in times when we forget to ask, he is still there. It's when we open ourselves up that we feel him present in our life. Hearing things we may not wanted to hear, or seeing opportunities we may not have known existed.

"Helplessness is your best prayer. It calls from your heart to the heart of God 

with greater effect than all your uttered pleas." Ole Hallesby

It's our 5th anniversary and I get the look, " We are exchanging gifts?"

 So I celebrated my fifth wedding anniversary what a week ago now, and it was nice because my husband had been outta town for a couple weeks and he came home early Fri. morning.  Just having him home felt like a weight was lifted. He sees his present Riley and I wrapped for him and it was still sitting in her room, his expression is hilarious to me now, cuz it was OH SHIT, she got me something.

He did not have to say a word.

I knew right then and there he didn't get me anything, for our anniversary. AND he had all week to shop without ANY kids.....

For a second I wanted to start crying, the selfish thoughts came flooding through, " I was with the girls all week, I had to do everything around here, inside chores outside chores and still do everything for Habitat..." Then I stopped when I saw the joy on Rileys face with all of us together and in that moment I prayed and let it go.... who cares.... I kept reminding myself that later that evening we were going on a date!!

It has been several weeks since we did that.

So we go on our date. It was four wheeling on the trails behind our house. And it was my idea... It was SO MUCH fun. I loved it. Going 30 mphs on the quad took me right back to college and riding Erics motorcycle with him... We both enjoyed it and I felt like a kid again that wild sorta free feeling.

We got all muddy and found a huge spot where it was like a foot deep of water... Yeah we both took turns driving through that! It was a great night.

The next morning there it was... The devil doing his finest, trying to steal my joy. "YOUR HUSBAND DIDN"T GET YOU A PRESENT!" and you can imagine the other jabs that were thrown at me.
All weekend long I was being taunted with this. I have ass-ed gave it to God. And the devil is sneaky. I started justifying that fine, he didn't get me anything I will go out and buy something luxerious. ( which if you know me.. I need a deal and time to research to find a deal and get a quality product) But I was using the Im just gonna go out and impulse buy something... Like a big new area  rug for the living room..... But after a few days of that my heart didn't feel so clear, it was clouding up.

Then I let it slip one time, in a joking way that justified me saying it, " Well since you didn't get me anything for our anniversary....." It felt wrong as soon as it came out..

I finally said enough is enough. I am not going to attack my husband and do this over a material thing.  I spent some time in the word. I spent some time listening to nature and giving it to God. Truly surrendering those feelings and reflecting on the great relationship my husband and I have. I focused on all the good things. All the things he does around this house and what an awesome helper he is. How nine years ago today he walked into my dorm room and became everything to me.

He always spends time with the girls after a long day at work. He will always ask when I am making dinner if I need anything. He includes the girls in what he is doing he is always there involved in their daily things, as well as mine.

I didn't buy anything.

I don't need anything.

I truly have all that I need.

Of course I don't have the things I want.... but wanting is such a waste of time.

And the only way to cure a want is to focus on what you have and give everything you can.

I need God, I need his word. I need my husband.  I need to love.

And now we are growing closer together and we grow closer to God by doing daily devotions from the Love Dare devotions ( which the last message at church kick started this into gear for us!)  and I am excited for how this new time spent together will shape our hearts for others and one another.

So it's been a week and I laugh that my husband didn't get me a present and I am happy that I don't need to give in to society on the "norms" and that I can give it to God and not be tempted with holding onto something so materialistic against my husband.

And why shall I do this? Because love is the key. Genuine love is a master at reconciliations. When love takes over, it compels us to humbly apologize  and take full responsibility for our failures and fully forgive where our spouse has failed us over and over again.
Coriinthians 13:13

Let the good times roll!!!

Well today has been a day of complete and utter...... DITZYNESS... Yeah Ms. Ditzy.....

The morning started bright and early.. I set my alarm for 5:30a so I could enjoy one cup of coffee and spend some time with God...

My alarm went off. I hit snooze.

My alarm went off and I heard, "MOMMYYYY I'm awake, let's make some coffee."

I smile and think so much for getting up early. (Like I was gonna get up early anyways ha!)

And the I need this I want that, Can we do this, Lets go here begins...

My little Mackenzie didn't wake up til 7:30a so this was a great morning. Riley got her mommy attention and I got to focus on one...

I made some great progress at work today...

At the office went fine except for the as soon as I put Mackenzie in the sling she pukes everywhere...

So I head over to the Habitat Center for work. I go to change Kenzies diaper in the car. I lock my keys in there...

So thankful Pj our construction manager let me use his truck to go home and get my spare. So that wasn't so bad. While he watched Mackenzie another blessing!

Then I head over to Tops to get cash for babysitter for Riley. I put my water bottle on the hood of my car you know where your wipers are...

Never took it off.

I go to Tops..

 I already had to use my raincheck from last week for my Kashi Cereal. Then I realize the girl didn't write that you get an instant $5 off. So she had to spend 10 mins verifying that....

Then I get a phone call from a volunteer... So Im all in the conversation. I remember to get cash back.... But I just don't remember to grab the cash.

50 bucks left sitting in the self check out dish thing.

I go home to grab something that (right now my mind is crazy I have no idea) and then I remember..

THE CASH... I drive back to Tops ask the cashier at u scan.

She says "oh that was your cash? yeah a guy grabbed it." She said hang on. I felt sooo relieved someone gave it back..

Then she says to me I have to call themanager. I ask her why what is the situation?

She said the guy after me came up and she thought it was his cash so she said, "Sir your cash." He grabbed it and walked out.

So my great deal of Kashi cereal being a buck... not so much!

Thank God my husband is picking up his truck today.... That will lighten the mood!


So two things I am reminding myself today about this.

1. I could have locked Mackenzie in the car. I did not. A Win!
2. The man who grabbed my cash may have just needed it more than me. Maybe he needs it for a bill or has kids... :)
3. I am so thankful for my husband who works so hard that I was able to take out another $50 and this didn't ruin our whole budget...
4. Things could have been much much worse

But.....

We do still have to drive out to Bergen to pick up his truck... There is much more to this day!

And in it I am reminded that life happens. Even when you are a christian and trust in God. Believing in him doesn't shield you from our world, the choices and actions of others... But it's in these times that he can give us the feelings of peace, comfort and knowing he is with us.

No worries. That is what I love most about knowing God. He will take care of us.

" Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble of be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!- Joshua 1:9

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Today was a moment with Spring.....snakes..snakes...and snakes.

Alrighty, owning a home I have learned each spring to accept the acts of nature and carry on about my day..

Today, it has been a struggle. I am writing this still in shock.

This morning starts out great, because at 8:30a it was FIFTY, that means a warm day is coming and after a long winter, nothing can make you want to be inside, except for snakes.

Last year on our trail I got to the point where I would see snakes slithering away and didn't do my very girly something like this scream, " AHHUUGHHHHSHHHH.... SHIT!"

For the sake of my daughter I try to stay calm... now its just a " UGHHHH" whooo...

The day the weather and the poop dripping from our kitchen matched my mood.

So most of you know that my parents live in North Carolina and well it SUCKS. Before I had my first daughter I said that I would not get pregnant until I lived by my mom... Well some major life changes came about and I put that thought on the back burner and what do you know I was pregnant!

Now I have another daughter and my mom and I are still not together.

Sure I spent days trying to think if this was a punishment for the horrible 17 year old I was when we lived in Vermont... And really I was horrible.. made such terrible choices...

I thought was this her punishment for something?

But after I got over my anger and accepted the fact we are not living closer.... I let God speak to me about it and shape my heart a little bit more and realized that this is not a punishment.

Now I have to enjoy our moments together and hold on to them so dang tight for when we are not together.

Ok so to my poop in my kitchen.

I woke up on the last day my parents were visiting us. Laying in bed already feeling like I was going to burst into tears. But yet so excited that my parents were here with me. They got to see my house see what I like to do and see all the little every day moments.

We drank our coffee and talked like we always had but the air was different. The dark clouds started rollling in and I couldn't help but let that totally take over my mood too. We didn't plan anything for the last day, and we could barely talk after we enjoyed the morning together. The sadness was just getting too heavy.

So we went to the Chinese Buffet. Well that was supposed to be a great time, but Riley was acting out once again, and of course throwing a fit in the bathroom stall which was totally disgusting and I wanted to throw up and scream from all of it. So instead I grabbed the stroller with Kenzie in it had Riley on my hip and looked at my mom with the Im so pissed off and tired I just want to stop, and said we will be outside.
I had to have a talk with Riley and have her stand in one spot outside until her grandparents came. It was a good cool down but not how I wanted to enjoy my last lunch with my family.

Then we get home and get ready to head to the airport. Its my husbands birthday and poor guy I'm in such a sad mood. Thank goodness we had a date night the other night to celebrate. Well.. we come inside and see water dripping from the kitchen ceiling. Eric comes home and punches in the square that took shape with water dripping...... PEEE AND POOP WATER pour down everywhere.... the ceiling was holding who knows how much water.... The smell is bad.... really bad..

I say Happy Birthday!!!

The next day Eric opens up the pipe and the smell of shit is way more than I can bare. I'm still depressed that my parents left.. and had to watch the girls all night again cuz he was working on the pipe. And the fact that he works alot of late nights over time and out of town... but anyways besides the point or is it? ( a whole other post!)  The smell is so bad we are stuck in our spare bedroom downstairs.... The worst smell.

The next morning Riley pooped in her diaper... and it was everywhere... It was not fun changing a two year olds poppy diaper she has not pooped in a diaper in so long... I could barely handle it. I just prayed that No one would do a surprise visit to our smelly home.

That night Riley got a stomach bug and was up all night puking...

I have Riley in bed with me my arm wrapped around her and Kenzie in bed on the other side and instead of crying from everything. I laugh and say my two girls..... Then I ask God... when is my break??

I think his response would be a big smile bit of a chuckle and say.. My dear child there is no break...... but I will give you rest!!!

Greek yogurt $.30/cup, Granola bars $.67/box and canned tomatoes $.47/can

My total for the yogurt picture was $4.80 and the Granola Bars $11.60. You can find out how to get these great deals at the web site www.wnydealsandtodos.com

I want to add that I also had 2 Buy One get one free coupons from the Sunday paper for the Yopa Yogurt and I had a dollar off your next order from the Planters Peanut deal last week.

Are you couponing yet?? :) 

So it's Valentine's day.........

So it's Valentine's Day.....

Today it means something different than it has any other time. It's different because first of all its on a weekday, which means by the time Eric and I are together it's 8p. and I am exhausted from being 9 months pregnant and really just wanna sit on the couch eat my cereal and zone out to whatever may be on. 

The weekend we can plan for a date night, but then I think do we really want to spend money? But then I think this is a great excuse for a date night and could very well be the last one for awhile with a baby on the way.   

But then it's also not just another day. It's a day there are a bouquet of flowers on the table, and presents left this morning for Riley and I. A day where I get to be sappy and write my heart out to my husband. 

So yes, Valentines day has changed and continues to change every year but the one thing it always does is remind me to make it a priority to love. And especially love my husband, who gets put on the back burner do to the demands of a job, toddler, and pregnancy among many other things. 

Valentine's day started for me back in elementary school spending days thinking about which valentine card I would give to my crushes....  I had to sign my name different, pick a card that said more then a basic Happy Valentines day, and make sure I didn't give a boy a valentine card that made him think I may "like" him.

Then receiving the Valentines cards took up even more days of analyzing. Did he really mean "Valentine you are so sweet!" or "Be mine?"

Desperate at such a young age for love? When you know today those boys most likely didn't think twice about grabbing out a card and signing their name, because their mom or dad told them it had to get done.... Thank goodness little girls don't realize that.... right?

My dad became my excitement on Valentine's day. He would always get me and my mom something special. When I started school he would always have something special sent to 

me at school. I loved it. The fact that I would get flowers or candy left on my desk while no one else did had me glowing. 

I'm really excited that Eric has started this with Riley and I know our girls will look forward to it just as much as I did. 

Eric and I are celebrating our 9th Valentine's together... Well I wouldn't go as far as saying celebrating I guess. But loving one another will work!!! :)

I remember our second Valentines together.... He did my room all up with red and white streamers and balloons and got me a Teddy bear ( That riley now loves of course!) And an awesome ring that had both of our birth stones in... Super sweet and amazing..... Super horrible that I lost that ring 3 years ago ( this is why I do not own expensive jewlery!!)

Valentine's was so exciting because it always seemed like the time you could really let someone know how crazy you are about them without any risk in a way. Marriage before kids had its challenges but marriage with kids brings so many challenges in so many different ways, the only way to get through it is by love. 

Sometimes I look back at those beginning Valentine's Days and wonder is it about love or lust? Our world gets that confused so much.  Love is utterly unselfish.  This kind of love is unnatural for us. It is impossible to have this love unless God helps us 

 aside our own natural desires so that we can love and not expect anything in return. The more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.

I remember my dad saying when we first got married drawing a little diagram of eric and I at the bottom and two lines going up to God. Describing that we have to grow closer to God in order to grow closer to each other. It was such a awesome feeling when Eric reminded me of that a year or so ago. 

Since having Riley we have both grown closer to God and learn every day about what it meas to love. 

Marriage shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self- centerdness through the help of a lifelong partner

If we are teachable we will learn to do the one thing most important in life- to love.

I will end with a great devotional from the Love Dare. 

No matter who you are or what you do,it comes down to whether you'll live a life of love or not. And there is a vast difference between the two. One is priceless and one meaningless. 

Love is the most important ingredient to any meaningful relationship. Your quality of life is directly tied to the amount of love flowing in you and through you to otehers. Though its often overlooked, love is infinitely more valuable than riches, fame, or honor. They will pass away, but love remains. You can be fulfilled without these, but not without love. 

The absence of love leaves a devastating void. When it is not present, your spirituality becomes superficial, your benevolent deeds self-centered, and your sacrifices insincere. In any relationship where love is not your motivation, you can expect it to feel bland and unfulfilling- if not meaningless. When asked to to define life's greatest command, Jesus summed it up this way: to love God with all you are and to love your neighbor as yourself. Will you embrace a life of love? 

13 Items for under $10 bucks at Tops!!

I haven't done a post like this for awhile, but this week there are really good deals at Tops and because each time I go into the grocery store I keep feeling amazed at how people spend money on food.

I have terrible cart judgement.
I'm in line thinking oh dear when I see people buying a cart full of items and spending $100 or more... No coupons it makes me want to go through my coupon book and see if I have any they can use.... but usually Riley is way to distracting but maybe I should make that a section in my book, extras.. hmm

So this week I'll share... Another thing I am going to do thanks to the blog www.wnydealsandtodos.com is keep a track of my savings and expenses at Tops so you can see that it really is worth it. It's worth it if you have to buy a computer, or buy ink, or get a newspaper, and if you spend an hour a week clipping and organizing its TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!

I hear so many people coming up with excuses as to why they can't but when you have so many blogs out there today doing the work for you, printing and cutting and organizing the coupons is nothing compared to those who are doing all the coupon match ups for us.

Ok so this picture I have  13 items for $9.52 And got $.10 off a gallon just from this transaction.

Here's the breakdown:
2- Egglands Best Eggs= $5.38 used $.55/2 Final price- $4.28 for 24 eggs!!
2- Beechnut stage Fruities= $2.00 used 2 $1/1 Final Price- FREE !
3- Yoplait Simplait = $1.50 used 3 $.30/1 Final Price- FREE!!!
1 -Hershey's simple pleasure chocolate= $2.99 used $1.75/1 (from coupons.com member program) Final price- $1.24 ( and this is really a treat, my excuse is pregnancy ;)
1- Good n natural granola bar= $1.00 used the free coupon from newspaper 1/6. Final price- FREE
3- Boxes of Honey nut cheerios and 1 box of Lucky Charms= $6 use.d $.50/1( was internet one not available anymore)  for cheerios and a $1.00/3 from newspaper 1/6- Final Price- $4.00 or a $1.00 a box!

The price for all this without coupons would have been = $18.87 and that's with everything on sale. Can you imagine the price buying this when it is NOT on Sale???

Gotta love coupons!!