So once again my fabulous husband never tells me the answers I hope to hear but the answers of truth that probably others are afraid to tell me.. It goes like this..
Today was a day where my mind was constantly racing. Ever since I graduated I feel like I have to prove I am doing something with my life with my degree. I don't look at what I have, I look for what else can I have.
This is so the world's way of thinking, and in my opinion the worst way of thinking. I start going on about if i lived here I could do this, or if I did this then I could have that. Letting my mind wander from what I truly am meant to do, letting my mind doubt that the things I truly desire in life won't come, so I went home told Eric how I was feeling and he said to me, " That's because you are never happy with what you have, you always look for more." That is true and that I am working on changing. There is so much that I have to be thankful for right now, so much about life in each day to enjoy, without worrying about whats to come in the future.
I said an outloud prayer after the phone conversation with eric, saying "God, please forgive me for wanting so much more, not being thankful for what I have, help take this cloudyness away." Then you know what came to be, "Be still and know that I am God."
It was amazing, and I realized how can I for one second, doubt how wonderful my life is now and will be in the future when I have the one who knows me inside and out guiding my path.
It's pretty amazing when you let it be...
So,, now I enjoy life, I take it in, and I continue to work on my book and enjoy.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Really? Is it over?
It's eleven at night. Usually I am laying in bed exhausted from everything, scheduling interviews, writing stories, pulling out nails, building door frames, serving lattes with just a little this or that, getting reviews done, constantly being watched as a role model, eating, taking care of my pets, husband, myself, the list goes on and on, and I am always waiting for the day of rest.
I just finished the last thing I will ever do at Brockport, a final. That's it, it's final, I am done at Brockport. I have one more final at GCC, to transfer the credit to my Bachelors at Brockport, but really I am there, it is almost completely done, forever?
Wow, I would have never thought graduating would give me mixed feelings. I keep asking myself why am I not screaming, getting all crazy, setting up some kind of crazy adventure with everyone, celebrating.
Why do I feel like, huh.
Maybe its the economy.
Maybe it's because I have no idea where I am going.
Maybe, just maybe, I am scared to death.
I just finished the last thing I will ever do at Brockport, a final. That's it, it's final, I am done at Brockport. I have one more final at GCC, to transfer the credit to my Bachelors at Brockport, but really I am there, it is almost completely done, forever?
Wow, I would have never thought graduating would give me mixed feelings. I keep asking myself why am I not screaming, getting all crazy, setting up some kind of crazy adventure with everyone, celebrating.
Why do I feel like, huh.
Maybe its the economy.
Maybe it's because I have no idea where I am going.
Maybe, just maybe, I am scared to death.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I am finally almost close to, the beginning of the end!
Sometimes, just sometimes, when I think about where I am in my life, it feels surreal. So many things to be thankful for.
But when you truly stop to just reflect on things you have accomplished or witnessed lately, how does it make you feel?
Lately, I have been letting the media world of age, and looks get to me. Diminishing my inner beauty because of the world's demands of the outer beauty. Letting the world tell me, I am old. If I don't start a career now, it could be too late.
Wrong signals, and I know they all are not true. It just seems crazy to think in just a few months the routine of the last four years of my life, will change drastically. No more managing work, school, and an internship, along with socializing.
No more, waking up in the middle of the night, thinking oh crap, thats due tomorrow.
No more driving to Brockport, enjoying the thirty minutes of loud music and singing where NO ONE can hear you.
No more campus events,
No more dorm life
No more doodling in my notebook in class.
No more thinking, is this done yet?
No more, no more.
Life is about to change again, love. And that's ok.
I am used to change, but all the pressure is on, to be everything I day-dreamed about in class.
Or, I can just enjoy what happens, and not put the pressure on myself. Just remembering that God always knows what he is doing, there is a reason I am here, doing what I do, right now, and that is powerful!
But when you truly stop to just reflect on things you have accomplished or witnessed lately, how does it make you feel?
Lately, I have been letting the media world of age, and looks get to me. Diminishing my inner beauty because of the world's demands of the outer beauty. Letting the world tell me, I am old. If I don't start a career now, it could be too late.
Wrong signals, and I know they all are not true. It just seems crazy to think in just a few months the routine of the last four years of my life, will change drastically. No more managing work, school, and an internship, along with socializing.
No more, waking up in the middle of the night, thinking oh crap, thats due tomorrow.
No more driving to Brockport, enjoying the thirty minutes of loud music and singing where NO ONE can hear you.
No more campus events,
No more dorm life
No more doodling in my notebook in class.
No more thinking, is this done yet?
No more, no more.
Life is about to change again, love. And that's ok.
I am used to change, but all the pressure is on, to be everything I day-dreamed about in class.
Or, I can just enjoy what happens, and not put the pressure on myself. Just remembering that God always knows what he is doing, there is a reason I am here, doing what I do, right now, and that is powerful!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The eye begger
Her dark blue eyes opened, her body was warm from the blankets, she stretched her arms out while taking a deep breath, and instantly remembered her puppy was now sleeping in his spot.
He was awake, sitting, staring at her with those crystal brown rounded eyes, and his sandy brown body that told her exactly what he wanted, to get up and eat. Once her happy, yet lonely eyes met his, his head tilted to the side, in anticipation of her understanding his needs.
As the puppy always wakes with excitement, today was her day to wake with excitement, it was a day off.
Big plans on decorating the inside of her apartment to try to fill the now empty space. He has left, for work, for days, and nights.
As she walked up to the busiest store in town, she noticed she wasn't walking along side anyone as she entered the store. She wasn't greeted by a smiling face. She wasn't feeling the rush to get out. As she stepped further into the store she slowed down her pace, feeling sad, for the store is lonely too.
After a quick one item shop, she left the store, and it was as she stepped through the exit door her head turned to the left and the world paused.
She saw a man, trying to hide against the outside wall with his red child size 10 speed bike. He was leaning next to the bike and his dark dark brown eyes were shuffling through the few people walking by him, up then down then left then right. They were scanning swiftly through others motions. She wondered if he was scared.
He never made eye contact with anyone, he would quickly look down, then his eyes would flash back up, and he would search, looking for anything that might bring hope in to the laid off mechanic's soul.
His hands were stained black, and his heart was looking the same. How could he go and apply for a job, when his offerings are charcoal. He was trembling. Pictures of his little Maddie flashed before him, he reached his black hand out feeling her presence. His head tilted and his hand slowly fell down. He looked right at her. Her deep lonely eyes, met his deep terrified eyes.
What would she do?
What would he do?
He was awake, sitting, staring at her with those crystal brown rounded eyes, and his sandy brown body that told her exactly what he wanted, to get up and eat. Once her happy, yet lonely eyes met his, his head tilted to the side, in anticipation of her understanding his needs.
As the puppy always wakes with excitement, today was her day to wake with excitement, it was a day off.
Big plans on decorating the inside of her apartment to try to fill the now empty space. He has left, for work, for days, and nights.
As she walked up to the busiest store in town, she noticed she wasn't walking along side anyone as she entered the store. She wasn't greeted by a smiling face. She wasn't feeling the rush to get out. As she stepped further into the store she slowed down her pace, feeling sad, for the store is lonely too.
After a quick one item shop, she left the store, and it was as she stepped through the exit door her head turned to the left and the world paused.
She saw a man, trying to hide against the outside wall with his red child size 10 speed bike. He was leaning next to the bike and his dark dark brown eyes were shuffling through the few people walking by him, up then down then left then right. They were scanning swiftly through others motions. She wondered if he was scared.
He never made eye contact with anyone, he would quickly look down, then his eyes would flash back up, and he would search, looking for anything that might bring hope in to the laid off mechanic's soul.
His hands were stained black, and his heart was looking the same. How could he go and apply for a job, when his offerings are charcoal. He was trembling. Pictures of his little Maddie flashed before him, he reached his black hand out feeling her presence. His head tilted and his hand slowly fell down. He looked right at her. Her deep lonely eyes, met his deep terrified eyes.
What would she do?
What would he do?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Gmail: Email from Google
christmas is in less than one week. In one week everyone gets together and exchanges gifts and enjoys wonderful food1 I am really excited for Christmas this year because it's my first Christmas as a married woman, and it' the first time Eric and I will be at my parents together for Christmas. It is going to be a wonderful time . It is not about gifts anymore at all. Mostly I look forward to just spending time with them, it's become so special because we see each other twice a year! I am also really excited to bring our puppy jake with us! He is gonna love the Handy family and they will love him. So for nine days I will be on a lil vacation, no work, all play! We will be driving down!
Mostly this Chrsitmas, remember to celebrate life! Jesus was born, but it can symbolize all the births in this world that are so speccial to us. To enjoy those births and the moments with the ones you love! Christmas is about celebrating life, and all the wonderful things that can come with it! Especially all the people.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Passion
Google's definition of passion is, a strong feeling or emotion.
I asked myself today, What is my passion? What is a mania in my life? There has to be something that is so irrational but an incredibly irresistible motive for a belief of action. Hmmm...
I am passionate about true love. I will fight through fire to express how I believe love is so much work, and that a successful relationship is when partners have truly stripped away, everything, and exposed themselves to the other. When they compromise and trust and respect one another through all of life's darts.
I am passionate about wanting to help others.
Usually I will try to respond to the times there is just a small opportunity to help someone, but deep down, I want to change someone's life in a positive way. Writing has always been my thing, in all different forms. But what i want most, is to be able to touch others through a story I have discovered and wrote about with words, or even share my experiences to help others.
So, what are you passionate about? Is there anything that comes to mind right away? Does something come to mind but maybe you want to push it away, fear of what others may think? Maybe we all just need to really release our passion for things. Maybe if we listen and respond to that deep desire we would be happier with our lives?
Or maybe for some that desire, is a temptation, a desire that is filled with awfulness, a desire that once given in, will poison souls.
If that is the case, can it really be a passion?
What is your passion? What does passion mean to you?
- heat: the trait of being intensely emotional
- rage: something that is desired intensely; "his rage for fame destroyed him"
- mania: an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action
- a feeling of strong sexual desire
- love: any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";
I asked myself today, What is my passion? What is a mania in my life? There has to be something that is so irrational but an incredibly irresistible motive for a belief of action. Hmmm...
I am passionate about true love. I will fight through fire to express how I believe love is so much work, and that a successful relationship is when partners have truly stripped away, everything, and exposed themselves to the other. When they compromise and trust and respect one another through all of life's darts.
I am passionate about wanting to help others.
Usually I will try to respond to the times there is just a small opportunity to help someone, but deep down, I want to change someone's life in a positive way. Writing has always been my thing, in all different forms. But what i want most, is to be able to touch others through a story I have discovered and wrote about with words, or even share my experiences to help others.
So, what are you passionate about? Is there anything that comes to mind right away? Does something come to mind but maybe you want to push it away, fear of what others may think? Maybe we all just need to really release our passion for things. Maybe if we listen and respond to that deep desire we would be happier with our lives?
Or maybe for some that desire, is a temptation, a desire that is filled with awfulness, a desire that once given in, will poison souls.
If that is the case, can it really be a passion?
What is your passion? What does passion mean to you?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Family dyed and tyed.
Every day, we make choices, we decided to go to work, we decide our attitude, we decide where to walk, what to say, we are in total control of ourselves. So why is it that so many people still need more control? So many more people need to control others? The fact that each of us are in complete control is too much for others, sometimes it is too much for people to realize they they are actually in control of t When someone has been selected to be in control, of a company, or a project, or a party even, their job is mostly to delegate, to make sure everyone is working together to compete the goal.
Can you imagine how wonderful the world would function if we all just worked together to meet our goal? But what about the people who voice their opinion when they shouldn't and end up having such a great idea that it gets to the goal sooner, or more efficiently?
There are so many choices, and so many options that you can choose and goals you can make and participate in, EVERY DAY!
Think of all the choices you make in just 12 hours? Think of all the little things you contribute to?
Think of the choices you made just from the time you woke up to when you got to work? Don't let ONE bad choice, cloud or chain up the fact that YOU are in control, you make your decisions, you create your path.
If you feel that you are just in a routine, nothing exciting happens in your life, then choose to make something happen. start a conversation with someone totally new. Smile and show someone you respect them as a person, and watch the kindness spread. So many little things have a bigger impact than many realize.
Life is less stressful, when you realize all the choices, all the things you decide each day. When you take life one day at a time, you won't have anxiety for the days to follow. One task at a time, One decision at a time, your choices, YOU MATTER!!
Can you imagine how wonderful the world would function if we all just worked together to meet our goal? But what about the people who voice their opinion when they shouldn't and end up having such a great idea that it gets to the goal sooner, or more efficiently?
There are so many choices, and so many options that you can choose and goals you can make and participate in, EVERY DAY!
Think of all the choices you make in just 12 hours? Think of all the little things you contribute to?
Think of the choices you made just from the time you woke up to when you got to work? Don't let ONE bad choice, cloud or chain up the fact that YOU are in control, you make your decisions, you create your path.
If you feel that you are just in a routine, nothing exciting happens in your life, then choose to make something happen. start a conversation with someone totally new. Smile and show someone you respect them as a person, and watch the kindness spread. So many little things have a bigger impact than many realize.
Life is less stressful, when you realize all the choices, all the things you decide each day. When you take life one day at a time, you won't have anxiety for the days to follow. One task at a time, One decision at a time, your choices, YOU MATTER!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)