Feeling Inferior?ll

I read a post on facebook. From someone who is my age and feeling like everything they try to succeed at isn’t perfect. Feeling like everyone around them is better and that at the age of 26.. ( oH MY GOSH I Just realized I am not 26, I'm 27 right, OH wow!!)  they should be succeeding more and it reminded me of how I felt just after having a baby.

I'm sure we all feel like that.. But here are my thoughts on that post.

After I had Riley and my job was eliminated while on maternity leave, my head was all over the place. Even if I still had my job ladies you know it’s an insane time, your head is all over the place. But adding the fact that I was a college graduate and wanting to stay home to take care of a baby just was not working with what the world has programed into my brain.

So of course my confusion brought me closer to God. Crying out to him in what was the answer. Its too bad so many of us are so fixated on what we are supposed to be doing for the future, so confused with thoughts of what others will be thinking of us. We forget to just stop and be content in what we have.  How could I feel like I was nothing, when I was staying home perfecting my momma skills? Everyone else can see how precious and blessed I am to stay home right?  That question wasn’t easy at first until I started seeing Riley grow and respond to others and feel purpose and thankfulness… Feel God more in my life.   

When we feel inferior to others, we are probably comparing ourselves to people who of course are out of our element right? I mean you can compare yourself to a serial killer and say, Well I’m not out killing people so I can’t be messing up that bad.

Then you could compare yourself to someone who just landed a recording deal, or a promotion at work and let yourself say well what am I doing why can’t I have that?  Then you have to stop. You can’t compare yourself to anyone else because we are different. God created each one of us, and that means no 2 people are alike. So quit wasting your time comparing yourself, instead if you want to feel success and contentment ask God where he wants you to be. Ask God to help you see what he sees, because he is looking at you seeing so much potential and seeing how beautiful you are inside and out.  He created you so of course he knows what will give you happiness and joy, ask him to show you what path you are supposed to be on. All it takes is a single moment to change forever. 

Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. James 4:8

This blog is back with more truth pounding words!

It's been awhile. And with staying at home now some days I find I would rather sit down and write then get daily chores finished and better yet, I'd rather write then scroll through Facebook reading what other people are up to. I enjoy Facebook, mostly because I have so many close friends away and mostly I enjoy it for my family. But it seems it's another thing added to this world that can poison you.
  How many hours do you spend wondering what other people are up to that are not really part of your daily life except for this online world? Do you find yourself comparing what you have to what they have? Facebook can be a great tool but it can always pull you into a closed up path.                                                              But enough about that. I don't have things to vent about now with work but I have a lot to talk about and share with this journey I've been on with a new baby and a very very sick brother who means the world to me.  If you have been faced with a very close family member experiencing physical and spiritual battle wounds, who wants so badly to fight but their body won't let them, then you will be able to relate. And even if you have not God ties all our experiences into a way they can relate to you.
 The ONLY way I can wake up each morning with a smile on my face is because of God. And maybe that doesn't make total sense to you or maybe you don't really understand what a REAL relationship with God is like, but maybe you'll join me on this journey and agree with some things, see things in a new light and get a good laugh or cry and see that believing in God, committing to be in a relationship with him is not so different from our relationships here in this life with others.                                                                                            
So there it is, my introduction. Now from here on out I can get into the deep stuff, the good stuff, heartbreaking and joyous paths.  So for today I'll end with this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                "A gentle tongue ( with its healing power) is a tree of life." Proverbs 15:4.
Maybe you'll meet me back here tomorrow.

I will be the light

Sometimes we lose our way.

Sometimes all we want from life is to be accepted and loved by someone. At least that is what my observations and own experiences have been. And usually people are searching for this in all the wrong ways.
Maybe its through intimacy with anyone who gives you that second of love, acceptance.

Maybe its through alcohol, that one night where everything and everyone loves you, but in the morning your left alone, or with someone who is no one in your heart.

Maybe its through any type of drug, that instant high and connection and thrill and the group of people you are with at that moment.

Or maybe you feel accepted or loved by being the one who can provide someone happiness, even if its through drugs that never give everlasting happiness, only everlasting emptiness.

Or maybe its through mindless activities so you don't have to deal with the truth.

What are you choosing to do right now, that gives you instant satisfaction, but fades quickly?

I see so many people just finishing high school, in college, maybe out of college, searching for things they will never find. IT seems they are searching for something that doesn't exist.

Some people in life must start working at a young age. This can build a great work ethic a foundation for your continued success.


Some people may think whatever their current job right now is, it's not their future its just something to get by with for now.

What so many people forget is that any job no matter what it is, displays and can shape who you are.

Lets say you get a job and you can't follow the basic rules...what does that really portray in the rest of your life? How will that shape who you are when you are trying to reach a higher position?

Let's say you feel rebellious, maybe not just at work but at home, in your relationships, and that little itch to do something naughty and receive that thrill lands you in jail?

Some people forget that small things have large damaging effects, and consequences of those they effect.

But in all this despair there is always light. Only one can redeem you. Only one thing can fill that void you are always looking for.

Only one God. Only Love, forgiveness, and truth.

Will you choose to be set free? When will you see the light?

just a conversation

So today.. I remembered why I love my job... for the people you meet. I truly enjoy serving coffee to people especially at Starbucks because they come in already having the mind set they are treating themselves and when you just start talking with them you can learn some really great things.

Today I got asked about my name from a guy from the Czech republic. He said whats the story with your name. I didnt answer right away because I get this question so much and dont have a good story and by my pause he said just your parents gave you that name huh?

I started laughing and said YEP!. Then went to explain very little my mom was born in germany(cuz for some reason i feel like it has to be a foreign name) Which my mom being born in germany is true and that she just liked it.

He told me I should tell people its czech republic and it means flower of the sun.
I said I like that. So there ya have it folks my name is flower of the sun.

I know its close... but yet I can't feel it

Everyone gets excited when the sun is out and we start to say good bye to those grey cold days. It doesn't matter that it is only 38 degrees out, with the sun we feel rejuvenated we feel hope that spring is near.

This time is usually exciting but yet.. I can't find the excitement. I am so happy and thankful that we are completely redoing our downstairs bathroom, but yet I can't let that thing make me smile all day long. The truth is.. since Christmas and this whole thing started, I have good days and bad days, when all I should be having is good days. My relationship with my dad became stronger because of it and with Taylor my brother too, but inside I am falling apart about it. Who do I talk to about it? How do I deal with it?

Where do you start when it has 25 years of stories to go through to explain what is happening now? How do I watch her hurt so many people including me and we have always gone back to running to her, covering up the bruises and scars.

This situation has exercised my faith all right. There were days that were so hard to wake up if I didnt grab my bible next to me and fuel up on the truth I would not have gotten up. I could not have found the strength to go to work every day and put on my fast fun and friendly attitude. The thing is its nice to go to work when people don't really know you because when you have a deep pain you can hide it for 8 hours of your day and not have someone ask a question where tears form instantly in your eyes that are screaming for an answer to this madness.

What happened you may be asking? I just cant bring myself to talk about it all yet. Not when I dont know how to deal with it, not when I have lost the strength to deal with it. I feel numb to her now. And that totally sucks because its my mom. I want to have a baby soon, this year maybe but I can't do it without having that relationship with my mom like we used to, or pretended too, these days I dont know where the truth is and i am not sure what to grab at, because i am so scared that once I grab it I'll be let down again./

I suppose writing scrambled thoughts from my brain helps, not that this should make sense to anyone reading it. Maybe not yet anyways.

All i know is life makes so many unexpected turns and not all the time you are going to be prepared or know how to handle them. I know it's ok to feel angry feel numb but I do know I can't just sit here and swallow in my own emotions. I know I need to pray about this continue to look to god for my strength continue to read bible scriptures that may be fantasy made up but ring in so much truth, comfort and hope because God knew exactly what he was doing all those years ago because those bible scriptures still apply to life today, and they still carry you through the good times and the bad.

So yeah.. maybe I am having a few down days and i can't find the strength to smile for more than 8 hours but I know I will get through this and there will be good things to come. I know God has a plan for this... even though its hard as hell to see through it.

A sickening feeling

Have you ever had that gut feeling where you just know something isn't right but you try to lay out all the practical reasons on how it could be right?

Thats how I have been feeling lately. I've been so stressed a deep stress that has been affecting my health, which I was blaming that on my sickening feeling, that inside voice saying your off path. But I figured I'll listen to the practical reasons on how this choice can benefit me... stupid me got sucked into that damn money world. I let money and guide my decision. I quickly learned from that one.

So I started this process of going through with the decision that made my stomach turn.. a promotional opportunity at work. After it was over I felt like I wanted to just say no, but felt too bad. They all kept telling me how much they wanted me to get it. So than i had five days off and prayed that God would give me peace about this decision... I didn't get peace and should have took that as a sign.

But finally after meeting with my boss today... I decided no. Peace came and I am so glad I stopped it now before I got myself into something I would regret. There are a few main reasons why I didn't want this position and the biggest one is it just doesn't feel right. Maybe its because other things are to come.

Either way, I feel better....So tonight I just wanna reflect on God and the amazing ways he is always in control. He will take over when he knows we are making the wrong decision we just have to trust in him no matter what. You will never understand this unless you truly give up those practical reasons on a decision and just follow your heart.

it's a long and lonely fall

We as humans want to fight our own way to the top. We say that we don't want to follow in others footsteps. We want to let everyone around us know that in the end it was me and only me that got me where i am. We want to believe that we don't need anyone to help us. We want to push people away when they do want to help, because our pride kicks in and we want to claim that we did, without giving credit to anyone else.
Also as humans with wanting to get ourselves to the top, we are scared to let anyone help us. We are scared that if we might fail we will let all those who tried to help down. We start to fear whats at the bottom of the mountain if we happen to fall down.
We might know that if we fall, the fall just might kill us.
So we try to forget the kill is at the bottom. We try to put all the pressures of getting to the top away, tuck them inside and then we don't realize by tucking them in, its weighing us down, closer to the end of the mountain, easier for us to lose balance, and take the fall.
Yet one of the most important things and most memorable in life is when you let others in and help you. Not all the time you are going to find people that want to help you. So when you do, think of it as that guardian angel climbing alongside that mountain with you and pushing u along, where before you know it you realize your almost at the top.
Seeing the light in someones eyes when they ask can i help you, and u look up and say yes is worth it to say yes, when you have someone who truly cares about you makes life that much better.
so my message today is let someone help you if they are offering it to you.
Because if you say no,
you might just fall, and it could bring you to your death.