My daughter ate my dog's poop, who just ate all of our Easter Cupcakes, and a few diapers, and this was a good day!

Well we are in full blown toddler and preschooler season here at the Boland Household. Mackenzie is really becoming her own person and exploring. I absolutely love this age. I loved it with Riley and I'm adoring it with Mackenzie, and cringing a bit knowing it goes so fast and soon she will be into full blown temper tantrums...

Riley can threw down a mean mean tantrum. Where I think, Good Lord help me, is there a demon in that child?

We are learning and getting better with it, but oh does it still rear its ugly head mostly when she is hungry or tired, go figure right? 

I mean the things they tell you when you have a newborn baby is when it cries always try these three things first,

1. Is she hungry?

2. Does she have a dirty diaper?

3. Is she sleepy?

Or those are the things your are supposed to check first. I dont know for sure but you get the idea. Sometimes it is my daily workout to try those things on a screaming body throwing 3 year old... But hey H.A.L.T. is always in the back of my mind!! 

So my husband has been working alot lately, late hours, weekends. Easter was his first day off in the last 2 weeks. So of course the girls and I have had some extra awesome time together...And dinner gets a bit tricky.. I have a one year old who is in and out of Ear infections, on a good day only needs her nose wiped once an hour instead of every 10 mins, coughs a couple times a day and sneezes only 10 times! ( slight exxageration? I wish!!! hehe)

Don't worry she has an appointment with an ENT specialist on Thursday. 

Anyways back to the so called every day lives of me and my girls...

We are outside, can it really be this warm? Its funny how you forget how wonderful the sun feels on your bare skin. 

So the girls are loving running outside and screaming and laughing. I am loving sitting down relaxing and feeling the sun and not having to ....

"MACKENZIE NO NO N O! My eyes are seriously popping out she has our dog's poop in her hands its going for her.......... IM running from the patio over as she looks up and sees my insanse face she drops the poop I run inside...

I washed her hands alot. and than alot agian.. and than a bit more.. and than to be sure I sanitized. 

And I defintaly cringed the first time she ate something after this incident. Our dog just ate our entire beautiful display of Easter cupcakes and well eats about anything....

Will this really be relaxing? Why can't I just close my eyes for a couple minutes out here? Oh well I take the girls out and we try again.

I write a new to do list for myself when I go out side before I can sit down. It starts with

1. Pick up all Jakes Dog poop....

So I pick up the poop and plunk the girls down in the sand box. I lay down on their little tikes picnic table.

Ahh it feels great for about 10 seconds....

"Mommy, I'm a new kid, I'm Alice."

"Hi Alice. It's so nice of you to join us." ( As my eyes are still closed and Im smiling. I know just where we are headed)

"And who is this?" ( Riley points to her sister with a grin)

"Mackenzie."

"Oh Hi Mackenzie!" 

"Mommy, I mean teacher, What are we going to learn today?"

And so it starts. One of the very first times I played pretend with Riley we were playing cash out. Just typical scanning customers at our registers, and I gave her the name, Alice. No reason NO idea where it came from and had no idea Alice would be such a frequent visitor! 

There are days when I hear that first sentence I wrote above, and I sigh.. I sigh thinking ughhh I do NOT want to play this stupid game right now....I start to say Riley I.. .and I stop... I did that one time and I thought about it later and reflected on what she said,

"What are we going to learn today?"

There have been days where I have questioned why God has made me a mother. Days when exhaustion has beaten up my body so bad I can barely see outta my swollen eyes, and it's in those days that I am reminded what an extraordinary position I am in. 

To teach these beautiful little girls...

Teach them...

So I have come to embrace Alice. 

We can play for twenty minutes me as Mommy, Riley as Alice, Mackenzie as Mackenzie, and I will go to do something else and I see the little curly haired three footer staring at me,

"Riley you want something to eat?"

" IM NOT RILEY I'M ALICE!!" Almost on the verge of a meltdown!! 

"Ohh ohh right Im so sorry you just look so much like my daughter I keep calling you her name. Alice do you want something to eat?"

Riley gets the biggest smile on her face and answers, 'Yes"

How do I get my Riley to come back?

I told her the one day when I kept calling her Riley and was ready to get the next part of the day moving, I said, "Oh Do I MISS my Riley." 

She processed this. 

And now when we exit this imaginary play she says,

"Do you want your Riley Roo back?"

Than I get the smile that she had on earlier and I say, 

"Oh Yes I do."

She turns herself around and says,

"Hi Mommy, Im back! Did you miss me?"

Than we get some extra cuddle time! 

So it is a tiring job, but does it get any more rewarding than that?

 Isn't that such an awesome reminder that God is trusting us with these little beings? That it is our job to show them Gods love.Its such an adjustment to be constantly reminded that this season of life is not about us... and that is so hard in so many ways.. but as they grow and things like this take place, it certainly gets easier to remember who it is all about. 

Heres my inspiration for you tonight

   As They Are

When you are with your children

be one with them

Let every part of your body relax

and become as supple as your child's.

Allow all expectations and anxieties to melt away

so that you can see clearly.

Love them as they are

in this very moment,

without needing to change a thing.

When their lives are filled with trouble

allow events to unfold

without pushing or straining,

and you will understand clearly

what your role should be.

You nourish them without possessing them.

You guide them without controlling them.

You help them without worrying them.

- From the Parents Tao Te Ching! 

My extreme Couponing trip at Target, sweet deals on Food! I got $94.88 worth of groceries for $46.67!

Yesterday was my  first time using many coupons at Target, and I must say it worked out pretty awesome..

I wanted to share with you some great deals on food this week at Target, usually I do all my grocery shopping at Tops and BJs but this week Target has it going on!

A nice coupon that came in the Target Ad is $10 off a $50 Food Purchase. You can also find it here. That is also before all your manufactures coupons!

So there I was at the checkout a cart full of items a handful of coupons and my phone and tablet ready to use for my mobile coupons and Cartwheel savings... My total was $94.88.
My out of pocket cost was $46.67
*(Note, I did get more items than what I listed here.. Everything I bought had a coupon but listed below are the SWEET deals.. )

• Market Pantry Eggs- on sale for $.99 use the Target mobile coupon to get them for $.50. (Text 
• Market Pantry Vinegar. $.92 get it for $.42 by printing out the Target Coupon here
• Frosted Mini Wheats- on sale for $2.50 buy three and get them all for $.25 each by printing out a $3 off 3 Kelloggs cereal coupon here and
•  using the 50% off Cartwheel savings.
• Wheat Thins on sale for $2.00 buy 2 and get them for $.63 each. 
• Text SPRING to 82743 to get a $1 off one box. 
• Text THANKS to 82743 to get a $.75/1 box and
• use the $1/2 from the newspaper insert 4/6. 
• Or go to the Facebook page and print the $1/2 if you do not have the coupon from paper here
• Post Alpha Bits Cereal ( They have Super Why on Cover!) $2.49 get them for $.69  
• Use the $1/1 Post Cereal Target coupon here and use the $1/1 Alpha Bits Cereal coupon here. ( If you cant find it change the zipcode to 77477 state Texas!)
• Nestle Chocolate Chips $2.29 get 2 for $1.53 each. Use the $.75/2 coupon from newspaper
• Use the 5% off Cartwheel discount
• Use the $.55/1 Target Coupon here
• Up and Up Food Pouches ( Mackenzie loves these!) $.89 each get them for $.65 each.
• Use the $1/4 Target Coupon here
• And use the 5% off Up and Up baby Cartwheel savings

There are a whole bunch of Target deals this week that are great. Here is a site that has even more Target Deals for ya! I would have posted all my purchases but believe it or not this is time consuming and I have to kiddos who need their breakfast! 

God Bless!!

It's too cold to do anything....but in the stillness I hear your voice call

Right now I have been alone for an hour an a half... it is amazing. The rest of my family is sound asleep! And I get to enjoy a beer and be crafty! ( I am working on my Leprachaun Live Trap Date, sound naughty? Oh it is! )

So here I am enjoying... a moment that does not come very often any more and I remember these moments in college. How much I loved seeing everyone and going to parties and hanging with Eric, but oh how much my soul needed the alone time...

I see my daughter needing time like this already at the age of three.. its precious and so important...

Time alone is so good to listen to God... it is in moments like this I can feel myself totally relax and have my mind open to what God may be trying to tell me...

Does that seem weird to you? God talking to me telling me something...

I  can tell you this from experience that the more you wait and listen for his voice the easier it is to hear him...

The more you read about him and talk with him, and get to know him, you'll hear and feel him with you all the time..

Kinda sorta like your relationships here on earth, but man is the relationship you build with God so much deeper, meaningful, inspirational and life altering.

Why is it not easy to dive into the bible and get to know God? Or just pick it up and read it when you feel lost?

Sometimes I think we fear the answer we may see, or realize the love that is always there. Sometimes we create such a stir in our heads before we just get up and do it.

That seems to be the case more in the winter with everything..

Too much time and energy to get the kids bundled just to be outside 10 minutes..
Too cold to work out in the basement ( we say this all the time)
Too much work to get together with friends
Too much this or that..
But the truth is, when you are in a moment alone, where peace entraps your soul, you realize YOU HAVE THE TIME.. in that moment you have the time...

And as the cold bitter days pass by you realize you lost the time... that no matter what excuses you make time ticks.

And everything falls back on us, on each of our choices.

So don't be afraid to say too this or that to let your body rest, or your mind rest.

But don't let it become a habitat or get stuck in a rut. Because time will pass you by and you will wish you just got up and did it.

The farmers almanac is predicting a very hot summer... So don't let your excuses run into summer and a whole year has passed you by...

I struggle with this very thing right now.. wondering will I look back at this very stage of life, chaotic times of raising two young girls and wished I stayed home all the time? What will I wish I did differently? ( side note: My youngest daughter will be turning one this Saturday... its so fast...)

All we can do is start each day again, with a positive outlook, our arms stretched out to the one who created us and our families and friends and be reminded that his grace never fails. His love never stops. Together we can create joy.. together we can get up and do it...

I wont end with a scripture this time but a song that describes this moment perfectly! Youtube it!

By Jeremy Riddle, More than a friend
In the quiet of my soul 
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Chorus:
Jesus You're more than a friend
Jesus You're more than my heart could ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

An update on the last few months of my life.. Believe

I guess you could say " My eyes have been opened, so I can see." In October my dearest friend was murdered. I found out when my parents were here visiting.... And today I thank God that he had him here with me....

Shock is an interesting experience.
I got in a car accident with Eric on our way back to NY from NC and I was in a tiny room and next to me I remember seeing the poster that said SHOCK and than had some description that seemed to put me more in "shock" Because I was in shock I couldnt remember my birthday! Heres a quick funny bit to that story...

In that room I had to go to the bathroom. They said that I could not get up and leave. I was begging them to let me get up and use the bathroom. The nurse comes in and says "here you can pee in this bucket right here in the bed."

MORTIFIED.. Seriously? I said to Eric I can't pee in this thing have my legs spread out and just pee what if someone walks in on me? That was my biggest fear.. someone walking in and seeing my uhh area!

I had to pee soo bad. I gave in.

And a male doctor walks in... I wanted to pass right out.. and in fact.. I did!!

Shock with a sudden death of a friend... puts you in a weird daze. A state of mind you never knew exisited.

When my parents left I broke down.  I could barely handle being without them and than losing Jonathan became difficult.
I have been up and down and all over with emotions since October.

It's funny that I feel I hang out with Jonathan more now than we did in the last year... I can feel him with me on certain songs...certain situations.. and certain people that have come into my life.

And that helps....and some days it really hurts..

Missing people though... I have done that since we started moving around when I was 12. I have made so many friends and have moved away from so many friends. Friends come and go in my life and to me thats the way it is.

Longing to see someone again... so I really thought I could handle death better...

Its not comparable.

But it does motivate you to get even more exited about heaven.. I truly can not wait to die!

Dont get me wrong, Im going to enjoy every moment here I can.. and try to please God in every way.. But Im so excited to go to heaven..

My mom is going to come visit me again.. In some ways I wanted to tell her no wait.. give it a few more months. I just accepted that Jonathan is dead a few weeks ago.

Just like that one night doing the dishes it was just a sudden realization..and I surprisingly felt a lot better.

So feeling like I have a bit of a handle on those emotions now my emotions start with my mom coming. And it takes every ounce of strength I have to have her come and than go....

Always missing people....

I am full of tears just thinking about it.

Which gets me to my long about way of inspiration for you today...

Believing. Believing that God is who God says he is.

Have you ever stopped and thought about that? God is who he says he is. That my friend is powerful.

Here's another powerful one for ya....

I am who God says I am....

We are free and so very loved in him. He has a glorious fruitful life planned for you.

" I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blame less. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.' Gen. 17:1-2
" I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.. I have indeed seen the misery of my people.. SO I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egytptians and to brign them up out of that land into a good and spacious land." (Exod. 3:6-8)

God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM."

Have you ever been afraid to ask God for something? Pray to him about something where you fear the answer?

I have and am still working on it. But yet I still continue to pray about it. I am not fearing what the answer will be. I am trusting that God has an answer that will work far better than I can imagine.

Beth Moore said this, " Faith is never the denial of reality. It is belief in a greater reality. In other words, truth may be that you are presently surrounded by terrifying or terribly discouraging circumstances."

Our promised land is the place where Gods personalized promises over your life become a living reality rather than a theological theory.

Ephesians 1:18-20 says "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

Ask God for something that you are scared of the answer to. He knew you before you were formed in your mothers womb. He has an incredible life planned out for you. You have to trust him and choose him. That's the thing.
We get to choose which way we will go. Every day. And every day we get another chance to choose him.

There is a big difference between trying to manipulate God to give us what we want and cooperating with God so he can give us what he wants. Our goal is the latter.

So  go ahead. Ask God what you have hesitations about.  The one thing that consumes your thoughts but you think it can only go one way. Ask him. Talk to him. And than most importantly wait for him and listen!

We serve such an amazing God. There are little miracles all around us everyday God is performing. He loves you to much to just settle.  He is always with us!

" For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My friends birthday... except he is not on this earth.

I have not wrote about Jonathan....not since he was murdered. Murdered. Can you believe it, one of my best friends, someone who I have some of the BEST memories with, was murdered, and the man who shot him, shot himself as well. A tragedy.

Today is his birthday. One day after my younger bro. Seths birthday. So I will always remember it. He would have been 31.

Shock enclosed my body for a few days.  How could Jonathan not be here anymore?
It's been really hard. I miss him so much. The only other person close to me in my life who has left this world was my grandpa. I did not attend his funeral because we lived in Virginia and they lived in Wisconsin.

My best friends funeral was my first one. Never would have guessed that. But I suppose it is our last first time experience together... man... we had so many good times.

I met Jonathan in Canandaiuga at Finger Lakes Community College. And in no exaggeration, those were the best years of my life. And those years Jonathan Eric and I were inseperable. We were wild, young, and free.  It took me 3 years just to get over missing Canandaigua and our times there... Many times Jonathan and I would agree and wish we could just relive those years..

I had not seen Jonathan in a whole year. Sure that doesn't seem too long when you are in the mood of having and raising babies, but when that person is gone, not here, a year seems like it is way more than 365 days...

About a week before Jonathan stood up to defend a girl and lost his life, I was thinking how we needed to get together he needed to meet Mackenzie....

You know if you are a parent of young kids, single people's lives just do not mesh. It was hard for us to get together..

I never took the time to call him...
Damn right.
But I have my guard up. I know there is a weakness for the devil to start to attack. I do not let him win. I rest in the fact that Jonathan and I were great friends and we loved each other dearly. I do not hesitate for a minute that he knows that.

2 days after I heard about Jonathan. He was in my head all day long. Making comments on my life, and joking with me. I am actually crying as I write this loving that he was with me, missing him right all over again. It makes you wonder about our spirits, watching over our loved ones.

In some ways his death opened my eyes to a life that can be so short and should never ever be taken for granted. He reminded me of who I am, that I am not just a mom. He reminded me of how much I love him and how he really was an amazing person in my life and also my husbands.

I am SO SO thankful for our memories we have. I am so thankful that he stood up in our wedding representing Eric and I. I am so thankful for his amazing family and knowing that he is with Jesus right now and how amazing it must be.

I am so thankful that Jesus tells me I will see him again. I am so thankful that I can feel Jonathan in so many things I do... but it's still hard. I am so glad that at the funeral his family shared stories to let us know that Jonathan and Jesus know each other.

Time heals wounds. That I know. So I am slow to my tears in knowing that it will pass and they will become less and that it is ok to be sad.

Today in honor of Jonathans birthday, we must drink. So I know that when my husband gets home we will drink... Its exactly what he would be doing, and he may even be doing in heaven.

I'll leave you with one of the many memories we share.

We were in Jonathans car man I can't even remember the kind it was, a bigger car that had some serious shocks going on.  We were just getting back from a party and I think we ended up leaving cuz we were bored. We pulled into the driveway of a pool and spa business. Jonathan Eric and I look at eachother. We smile.

"Wanna go in?"
"In our clothes?"
"Hell yeah."

Alright in and than out.

We get the nerve to go in. We are all in this little display pool outside on the corner of an intersection, laughing, smiling, nervously looking out for cops.

"Oh Shit, cops, duck."
Yep we went under water.
We pop out laughing and run out into his car. Wait was this car his grandmas? Or his moms. We get in the car wet nervous Jonathan drives off fast, nervous, he drives off the driveway onto the gravel of some sort, and he is really upset about the rocks and dirt getting under the car, because I cant remember whose car it was but he knew they would not be happy about it.
I remember giving him such a hard time, "Oh stop live a little, it will be fine" I said. I know he is smiling right now saying, Yes you were right Tas. Im glad we did everything that we did together. I miss you and I can't wait to hang out with you again....

Miss you so much....

Until we meet again...

It's been rough.

It's been rough. I have had highs and lows.

I have felt far and near from you.

And in this moment, all I want is to feel your comfort wrapped around me. For I do not know how I will take my next step without your guidance. When all else fails around me, I need my soul to rest in your embrace. Like the song says,

"For I am yours, and you are mine. "

Some mornings I wake up and say, " Again, I have to do this all over again?"  Hiding under the blankets is just not an option.

Some mornings I wake up to two little feet thump thump thump thump, and nothing but a big smile fills my entire body.

Some mornings I am awake, from the numerous times of being awake caring and tending and slowing my anger of getting no sleep, to just laying in my bed, wondering will my life lead to more?

And in all these moments, I am reminded "Let my faith be made stronger. Let me walk upon the waters"

Wher eever you would call me.

Some mornings I wake up and roll over and see the empty side of my bed, where its still slightly warm from my husbands presence. I sigh thinking when is the last time we cuddled in this bed? When is the last time we just looked at each other and said I love you without saying I love you.

Some mornings I open my eyes so fast and shoot my body straight up and grab my chest from the pain of a nightmare, a dream that slips over into reality, one where my brother needs me, he is weak and is crying out. But none of us can do anything in that moment, except for fall down on our knees and pray.

That same dream  I see my Mom with me and the girls getting a pedicure, but only my mom was a very old lady, and I think, How did time pass us by so fast?

Then  the pain in my chest reminds me of our physical distance, and those mornings I lay in bed and do not want to get out.

So in this stage of life right now, it is so challenging, and exhausting. There are moments that are etched in your heart and fill you with so much joy, and there are days where your tears fill your kitchen sink faster than your dishes.

I don't have any advice on how to really get through it, except for pray. Get down on your knees and surrender all your feelings to God. Get off Facebook seeing everyone who only posts the best moments in their life, because real life isn't a perfect picture. Raising kids isn't glorious every moment. We all struggle and we all succeed. There is only one who knows you so well, who designed and created your children for you, to you he gave these gifts. He believes in your efforts, your parenting. He loves you and wants you to seek him when you feel beat down and he will comfort you and love you endlessly.  And through that love you will get back up on your feet and carry on.

It will get better. :)

Yes I am saying all this to myself as well!

Together in Christ, we will succeed!

" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you may go." Genesis 28:15

My brother still fights..

It is truly amazing to think about the fact that I have two daughters and imagine the bond we will continue to deepen. All ready my girls are my world. But lately, I have been missing my mom so much it puts me in a fog. Really it's missing my family too, my dad, and my brothers.

When my first daughter was born my brother was extremely ill. I flew to North Carolina every couple months that first year. I took her on the plane for the first time when she was 2 months old and just two days before we left, she had a very congested lung and I had to bring a nebulizer with me. The nurse scared the crap out of me telling me if it gets worse take her to the ER right away..

I contemplated if I should go or not. But when I thought about my brother and what was happening to him the answer was obvious, Go.

Two and a half years it has been since my brother has been sick. I can't even say since he was diagnosed, because he is a "medical mystery".

It was the hardest year of my life. Looking back having a first baby was probably not as bad as I remember because I was so stressed from being away from my family with this medical crisis and not being able to do anything for any of them, especially Taylor.

We went down to the scariest point, slowly surfing back to the top, wondering if he would live to see another day.

Spirtually, my relationship with Jesus was on fire. I felt so close to him. I could feel him with me in every moment hear him and I stopped. Believed in an end to all the pain and suffering he was living with.

Now Taylor is at home, eating, and slowly doing better.  Eating.. he couldn't eat for so long. What a daily thing we take for granted. The taste of food, the choice. Just think so many of us get to chose whatever we want to eat.

Things haven't been so shaky for at least 10 months. Of course there have always been a few here and theres to the hospital. But after that first year much improvement.

And then my relationship with God seemed to dwindle a bit. Then I started to yearn for him everyday. When I didn't have any control over my brothers illness or my parents heartache, all I could do was pray.

It is amazing how just spending time talking with God every day changes everything in your view.

Now Taylor has to have another surgery. It looks like whatever this disease is, which they say it is resembling more Chron's but they really have no idea, is attacking him again.

He is 24 years old. He inspires me. He has shown such strength through all of this, so much I can feel my eyes well up with astonishment and sadness.
 Again it is so hard not being close to my family, wishing I could just pack up my life here and go there. The one thing I can do right now in this moment, is pray. Continue to be with God and feel comfort, encouragement, be reminded of those around me who are a blessing in my life, little reminders from God that he is here with us in everything that we do.

I will not fear the storm, my help is on the way.  I know that if we ask he will be there, and that even in times when we forget to ask, he is still there. It's when we open ourselves up that we feel him present in our life. Hearing things we may not wanted to hear, or seeing opportunities we may not have known existed.

"Helplessness is your best prayer. It calls from your heart to the heart of God 

with greater effect than all your uttered pleas." Ole Hallesby