I am finally almost close to, the beginning of the end!

Sometimes, just sometimes, when I think about where I am in my life, it feels surreal. So many things to be thankful for.
But when you truly stop to just reflect on things you have accomplished or witnessed lately, how does it make you feel?

Lately, I have been letting the media world of age, and looks get to me. Diminishing my inner beauty because of the world's demands of the outer beauty. Letting the world tell me, I am old. If I don't start a career now, it could be too late.

Wrong signals, and I know they all are not true. It just seems crazy to think in just a few months the routine of the last four years of my life, will change drastically. No more managing work, school, and an internship, along with socializing.

No more, waking up in the middle of the night, thinking oh crap, thats due tomorrow.

No more driving to Brockport, enjoying the thirty minutes of loud music and singing where NO ONE can hear you.

No more campus events,

No more dorm life
No more doodling in my notebook in class.
No more thinking, is this done yet?
No more, no more.
Life is about to change again, love. And that's ok.
I am used to change, but all the pressure is on, to be everything I day-dreamed about in class.
Or, I can just enjoy what happens, and not put the pressure on myself. Just remembering that God always knows what he is doing, there is a reason I am here, doing what I do, right now, and that is powerful!

The eye begger

Her dark blue eyes opened, her body was warm from the blankets, she stretched her arms out while taking a deep breath, and instantly remembered her puppy was now sleeping in his spot.

He was awake, sitting, staring at her with those crystal brown rounded eyes, and his sandy brown body that told her exactly what he wanted, to get up and eat. Once her happy, yet lonely eyes met his, his head tilted to the side, in anticipation of her understanding his needs.

As the puppy always wakes with excitement, today was her day to wake with excitement, it was a day off.
Big plans on decorating the inside of her apartment to try to fill the now empty space. He has left, for work, for days, and nights.

As she walked up to the busiest store in town, she noticed she wasn't walking along side anyone as she entered the store. She wasn't greeted by a smiling face. She wasn't feeling the rush to get out. As she stepped further into the store she slowed down her pace, feeling sad, for the store is lonely too.

After a quick one item shop, she left the store, and it was as she stepped through the exit door her head turned to the left and the world paused.

She saw a man, trying to hide against the outside wall with his red child size 10 speed bike. He was leaning next to the bike and his dark dark brown eyes were shuffling through the few people walking by him, up then down then left then right. They were scanning swiftly through others motions. She wondered if he was scared.

He never made eye contact with anyone, he would quickly look down, then his eyes would flash back up, and he would search, looking for anything that might bring hope in to the laid off mechanic's soul.
His hands were stained black, and his heart was looking the same. How could he go and apply for a job, when his offerings are charcoal. He was trembling. Pictures of his little Maddie flashed before him, he reached his black hand out feeling her presence. His head tilted and his hand slowly fell down. He looked right at her. Her deep lonely eyes, met his deep terrified eyes.
What would she do?
What would he do?

Gmail: Email from Google

christmas is in less than one week. In one week everyone gets together and exchanges gifts and enjoys wonderful food1 I am really excited for Christmas this year because it's my first Christmas as a married woman, and it' the first time Eric and I will be at my parents together for Christmas. It is going to be a wonderful time . It is not about gifts anymore at all. Mostly I look forward to just spending time with them, it's become so special because we see each other twice a year! I am also really excited to bring our puppy jake with us! He is gonna love the Handy family and they will love him. So for nine days I will be on a lil vacation, no work, all play! We will be driving down!

Mostly this Chrsitmas, remember to celebrate life! Jesus was born, but it can symbolize all the births in this world that are so speccial to us. To enjoy those births and the moments with the ones you love! Christmas is about celebrating life, and all the wonderful things that can come with it! Especially all the people.

Merry Christmas everyone!  

Gmail: Email from Google

Passion

Google's definition of passion is, a strong feeling or emotion.

• heat: the trait of being intensely emotional
• rage: something that is desired intensely; "his rage for fame destroyed him"
• mania: an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action
• a feeling of strong sexual desire
• love: any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";

I asked myself today, What is my passion? What is a mania in my life? There has to be something that is so irrational but an incredibly irresistible motive for a belief of action. Hmmm...

I am passionate about true love. I will fight through fire to express how I believe love is so much work, and that a successful relationship is when partners have truly stripped away, everything, and exposed themselves to the other. When they compromise and trust and respect one another through all of life's darts.
I am passionate about wanting to help others.

Usually I will try to respond to the times there is just a small opportunity to help someone, but deep down, I want to change someone's life in a positive way. Writing has always been my thing, in all different forms. But what i want most, is to be able to touch others through a story I have discovered and wrote about with words, or even share my experiences to help others.

So, what are you passionate about? Is there anything that comes to mind right away? Does something come to mind but maybe you want to push it away, fear of what others may think? Maybe we all just need to really release our passion for things. Maybe if we listen and respond to that deep desire we would be happier with our lives?

Or maybe for some that desire, is a temptation, a desire that is filled with awfulness, a desire that once given in, will poison souls.
If that is the case, can it really be a passion?
What is your passion? What does passion mean to you?

Family dyed and tyed.

Every day, we make choices, we decided to go to work, we decide our attitude, we decide where to walk, what to say, we are in total control of ourselves. So why is it that so many people still need more control? So many more people need to control others? The fact that each of us are in complete control is too much for others, sometimes it is too much for people to realize they they are actually in control of t When someone has been selected to be in control, of a company, or a project, or a party even, their job is mostly to delegate, to make sure everyone is working together to compete the goal.
Can you imagine how wonderful the world would function if we all just worked together to meet our goal? But what about the people who voice their opinion when they shouldn't and end up having such a great idea that it gets to the goal sooner, or more efficiently?
There are so many choices, and so many options that you can choose and goals you can make and participate in, EVERY DAY!
Think of all the choices you make in just 12 hours? Think of all the little things you contribute to?
Think of the choices you made just from the time you woke up to when you got to work? Don't let ONE bad choice, cloud or chain up the fact that YOU are in control, you make your decisions, you create your path.
If you feel that you are just in a routine, nothing exciting happens in your life, then choose to make something happen. start a conversation with someone totally new. Smile and show someone you respect them as a person, and watch the kindness spread. So many little things have a bigger impact than many realize.
Life is less stressful, when you realize all the choices, all the things you decide each day. When you take life one day at a time, you won't have anxiety for the days to follow. One task at a time, One decision at a time, your choices, YOU MATTER!!

Alice in Wonderland

Do you ever ask, why is this happening is God testing us? If God is testing us all the time, seeing if we really have him in our hearts, then will we ever stop being Alice in Wonderland? Some might think so, some might not.

I really think that people have the misconception about age, we think that age defines if we are old or not. When you are 19 and someone is 30, you think that they are old, but not too old. We think that someone in their 70s is old, and 90s is just unthinkably old right? But once you start living the big moments in life, the ones you never know for sure if you are going to experience, but are always secretly hoping you will, like true love, marriage, kids, a house, career, will you ever get your big break, find your true happiness. The moment that you experience one of your big moments, your life starts living to the beat of a techno song. You enjoy it while you’re hearing it and seeing it, and then before you know it, the song is over, and there was just one second in between, and then the next song of a completely different genre starts playing. The song doesn’t stop, so it distracts you from hearing the beat of the last song. Age doesn’t define how old we are, what makes us seem so old so soon, is when we don’t realize that each moment in life has it’s song, and every song ends, but there is always another song… J. The point is, is that if you are thinking life’s moments are coming at you one after another and you are starting to think wait, stop, I wanna go back, just remember to pause the next song, not for long, just for a few seconds to remember the moment, the memory and to remember to enjoy the next one that is coming.

See, God really did know what he was doing when he created the earth, there is no way you can deny the freedom, the pause in your song when you are out in nature. When you are standing at the top of a mountain peak and you see a valley and some fog and clouds and birds soaring the tops, you can’t deny that when you see a rainbow, or the rolling waves of a blue blue ocean, that you don’t feel the pause from life, the reflection on how precious it is, how fast it will go, and how age can’t define us, but our moments can and if we don’t take a break, or a breath to enjoy this life, age gets the best of us. This life is just a test a much enjoyed and hated test, but the biggest test we will ever take.

So if your song played to fast, and by the time you reached for the pause button it was all done, find your resting place, find the place of peace, your mountain top, your roaring ocean, or rolling lake, go to it, take your life and the moments in, and then prepare yourself to teach others how to deal with their songs, and how to deal with the next song playing in your life.

A little inspiration maybe?

I don’t know how I feel. I mean of course I am ecstatic about MY wedding. The one thing you know is the biggest moment in your life before having a child. I am so thankful to be truly in love to be able to want and get married. Yes I am very happy, and even though it’s a lot of planning and all the talk about money, stress. I feel completely at peace with the money part. What is weird is that I have 50 bucks in my account and Eric isn’t too far from that, but, I am not worried at all. It makes me smile. It deepens my relationship with God.

But Aside from the happiness the planning the busyness of it all, I feel something that I can’t quite explain with words. It’s like I keep running my hand open high over a flame, I can feel the heat, but I am left moving back and forth a wide gap to try to pinpoint where that flame was started.

I know that everything will work out, and that I have so much to look forward to in life. But, I guess what keeps my hand searching might be stress, life, the fact that I feel like after the wedding, there isn't any more day dreaming. It’s real life. The years in college are now supposed to go into practice. I am now expected to know everything that my degree says: B.A- Journalism. What is scary is the media world yes, but scarier is thinking about hot to balance the career and a family.

Life never goes as you plan. It sure didn’t for me. I did NOT want anything but to go to NYC and become a writer for some big name magazine. I would have started as the assistant’s assistant, but, of course a boy came.

I know that Eric was meant to come and I wasn’t meant to go to NYC. But I am still hoping that I am meant to do something important with my career. Somehow someway, I just have to become successful in writing, somehow.

It’s scary to think about the fact that all in one year I graduate from college, get married, and move to a brand new state and city, and hoping to find a job in Journalism.

What is scarier is question your own abilities, asking your self over and over, Can I do that? Is that for me? Then once you enter that work field, the constant comparison comes, wow, she’s really good. I can’t do that. Defeat comes in.

I guess that’s when I have really nothing to fear, because I know that I don’t have to give in to those negative thoughts, the pressures of a false media and demand. All I do is give in to god, all my worries my thoughts, me weakness; and he will say I know, it’s ok. Let me take care of it.

So why do we still live in fear, and have the moments when we just want to lay on the floor in the dark listening to music dangerously loud to drown out those voices?

I guess the only answer is, we are human. We feel it all.

So I guess it’s ok to feel all these emotions, but what I need to keep in check, is the fact to give the feelings to God, Don’t let yourself build a wall of all the questions and fears. You can’t build a wall before you have even gotten to where you think you need to be. Don’t trap yourself. And as always loud music is great therapy to a day, or confusion.

Another good one, spend some time with God, in whatever way he speaks to you. It doesn’t have to be church, even the bible; it could be walking in the woods, or praying or getting together with other Christians. God speaks to us all differently, just don’t be scared.