just a conversation

So today.. I remembered why I love my job... for the people you meet. I truly enjoy serving coffee to people especially at Starbucks because they come in already having the mind set they are treating themselves and when you just start talking with them you can learn some really great things.

Today I got asked about my name from a guy from the Czech republic. He said whats the story with your name. I didnt answer right away because I get this question so much and dont have a good story and by my pause he said just your parents gave you that name huh?

I started laughing and said YEP!. Then went to explain very little my mom was born in germany(cuz for some reason i feel like it has to be a foreign name) Which my mom being born in germany is true and that she just liked it.

He told me I should tell people its czech republic and it means flower of the sun.
I said I like that. So there ya have it folks my name is flower of the sun.

I know its close... but yet I can't feel it

Everyone gets excited when the sun is out and we start to say good bye to those grey cold days. It doesn't matter that it is only 38 degrees out, with the sun we feel rejuvenated we feel hope that spring is near.

This time is usually exciting but yet.. I can't find the excitement. I am so happy and thankful that we are completely redoing our downstairs bathroom, but yet I can't let that thing make me smile all day long. The truth is.. since Christmas and this whole thing started, I have good days and bad days, when all I should be having is good days. My relationship with my dad became stronger because of it and with Taylor my brother too, but inside I am falling apart about it. Who do I talk to about it? How do I deal with it?

Where do you start when it has 25 years of stories to go through to explain what is happening now? How do I watch her hurt so many people including me and we have always gone back to running to her, covering up the bruises and scars.

This situation has exercised my faith all right. There were days that were so hard to wake up if I didnt grab my bible next to me and fuel up on the truth I would not have gotten up. I could not have found the strength to go to work every day and put on my fast fun and friendly attitude. The thing is its nice to go to work when people don't really know you because when you have a deep pain you can hide it for 8 hours of your day and not have someone ask a question where tears form instantly in your eyes that are screaming for an answer to this madness.

What happened you may be asking? I just cant bring myself to talk about it all yet. Not when I dont know how to deal with it, not when I have lost the strength to deal with it. I feel numb to her now. And that totally sucks because its my mom. I want to have a baby soon, this year maybe but I can't do it without having that relationship with my mom like we used to, or pretended too, these days I dont know where the truth is and i am not sure what to grab at, because i am so scared that once I grab it I'll be let down again./

I suppose writing scrambled thoughts from my brain helps, not that this should make sense to anyone reading it. Maybe not yet anyways.

All i know is life makes so many unexpected turns and not all the time you are going to be prepared or know how to handle them. I know it's ok to feel angry feel numb but I do know I can't just sit here and swallow in my own emotions. I know I need to pray about this continue to look to god for my strength continue to read bible scriptures that may be fantasy made up but ring in so much truth, comfort and hope because God knew exactly what he was doing all those years ago because those bible scriptures still apply to life today, and they still carry you through the good times and the bad.

So yeah.. maybe I am having a few down days and i can't find the strength to smile for more than 8 hours but I know I will get through this and there will be good things to come. I know God has a plan for this... even though its hard as hell to see through it.

A sickening feeling

Have you ever had that gut feeling where you just know something isn't right but you try to lay out all the practical reasons on how it could be right?

Thats how I have been feeling lately. I've been so stressed a deep stress that has been affecting my health, which I was blaming that on my sickening feeling, that inside voice saying your off path. But I figured I'll listen to the practical reasons on how this choice can benefit me... stupid me got sucked into that damn money world. I let money and guide my decision. I quickly learned from that one.

So I started this process of going through with the decision that made my stomach turn.. a promotional opportunity at work. After it was over I felt like I wanted to just say no, but felt too bad. They all kept telling me how much they wanted me to get it. So than i had five days off and prayed that God would give me peace about this decision... I didn't get peace and should have took that as a sign.

But finally after meeting with my boss today... I decided no. Peace came and I am so glad I stopped it now before I got myself into something I would regret. There are a few main reasons why I didn't want this position and the biggest one is it just doesn't feel right. Maybe its because other things are to come.

Either way, I feel better....So tonight I just wanna reflect on God and the amazing ways he is always in control. He will take over when he knows we are making the wrong decision we just have to trust in him no matter what. You will never understand this unless you truly give up those practical reasons on a decision and just follow your heart.

it's a long and lonely fall

We as humans want to fight our own way to the top. We say that we don't want to follow in others footsteps. We want to let everyone around us know that in the end it was me and only me that got me where i am. We want to believe that we don't need anyone to help us. We want to push people away when they do want to help, because our pride kicks in and we want to claim that we did, without giving credit to anyone else.
Also as humans with wanting to get ourselves to the top, we are scared to let anyone help us. We are scared that if we might fail we will let all those who tried to help down. We start to fear whats at the bottom of the mountain if we happen to fall down.
We might know that if we fall, the fall just might kill us.
So we try to forget the kill is at the bottom. We try to put all the pressures of getting to the top away, tuck them inside and then we don't realize by tucking them in, its weighing us down, closer to the end of the mountain, easier for us to lose balance, and take the fall.
Yet one of the most important things and most memorable in life is when you let others in and help you. Not all the time you are going to find people that want to help you. So when you do, think of it as that guardian angel climbing alongside that mountain with you and pushing u along, where before you know it you realize your almost at the top.
Seeing the light in someones eyes when they ask can i help you, and u look up and say yes is worth it to say yes, when you have someone who truly cares about you makes life that much better.
so my message today is let someone help you if they are offering it to you.
Because if you say no,
you might just fall, and it could bring you to your death.

God's timing and my Perspective on life flipped

About 8 weeks ago, I decided to start applying for any job in my field and started in the sales avenue. MY brain was so scattered I was not sure what the hell I wanted to do for a career. I had to keep searching every day to get this voice in my head to stop with the whole "You got a degree in Journalism and you are working at Target?'

So I applied to about 5 different places. But there was only one that I was really hoping to get, which was working at YNN as a news assistant. Basically an entry level position into my FIELD! YAY!! I was excited that there was even a position available. The other four I applied for was sales positions and I got a few call backs from them but I just was really not feeling the sales side of life.

So.... I waited and got really sad because three weeks after i turned in my application to YNN I heard nothing. I kept asking myself, "I cant even get an entry level position in my field?" It totally ate me up.
Than I get an e-mail from someone with YNN. Asking if I am still interested in the position and when I am available to do a phone interview.
I jumped up so high all my energy excitement was back, I WAS GOOD ENOUGH!! That right there was the confidence booster I needed. I thanked God right away! So i replied back with my availability any time after 4 Wed are my day off.
He responded back with an e-mail of can you come to the office at noon?
WOW i just went from a phone interview to an actual interview in a day! God is really boosting my ego now!
Then it all drops and I cant figure out the reason. I respond back to his e-mail yes. HE rights back later in the evening that day
Sorry you got back to me after the 12 meeting and due to breaking news I wont be available the rest of the week. Please keep in touch for the next available position.

I couldnt believe it. I just got back from prepping with the editor at The Batavian and its all over. Just like that. I didn't understand.
So I let the man know this. I told him I thought he meant wed at noon since that is the only time I am available during the day... and now there is no longer a position? This all happened tues night. So i felt at least i can rest easy tonight knowing my interview got canceled.

Wed morning the day I thought i would have my interview i decided to prep with the questions anyways.. why not. Then at 11:30 I get a phone call from ynn. I crapped my pants. I thought I am not ready oh no. So i ignored it hoping they would leave a voicemail. They didn't About ten mins later they call again...Oh lord i think i have to answer now. SO I do and the man responds with I dont know where we last left off in our emails but can you come to the office today?
Oh boy.
SO we hang up I rush to get ready my nerves are ALL over the place. I get ready and on my way to buffalo. I have a 40 min drive to get there so figure I can practice on the way. I prayed for peace that i would be calm during the interview and all of a sudden in the midst of my hands shaking they stopped. And i felt totally calm.
The interview went great! My hands werent shaky I met with a c0uple guys got to see the place and in the beginning of the interview i was on cloud nine "I could be doing this I could be here!" Its all i kept thinking.
Then we talked about the pay which is less than what i make now but I figured so that didn't bother me I was still all excited... Then we talked about the hours....then my heart sank. 2:30-11pm and NO weekends off. Ugh Right now i get every other weekend off.
Then I went to look at the studio and I felt huh.

Then when I felt like they were about to offer to me and asked what i thought, I couldnt show my excitement because i didnt have much. I told them the hours were something i would really have to think about.

After the interview (it was an hour and half) I sat in my car. I just felt like huh. I went in thinking this was my dream job and left thinking about how much I love where I am right now. I live so close to work less than a minute. I enjoy my job the pay is decent. I like my hours. and i get to be home with my husband the one thing i need to have everyday.

I realized that I am not old but not that young and my priorities are NOTHING they were like when I started college. I know now that family is so important to me. I want to be a mom and I want to be there for my kids and husband. I really can't start this kinda career right now not anymore. I realize I want to be home with my kids have that farm house and be able to write some books.
Then at my current job a promotional opportunity comes up. God's timing is amazing. God is amazing. That little interview changed everything for me and made me realize how happy i really am right now. I know it's ok that I got my degree in journalism and may not use it in that field. I am ok with that. And it feels great!!

The Great Sadness has overcome me

For the past three weeks, everything is different. The snow doesn't look as bright, the lights on the christmas tree are not shimmering. I go to bed exhausted and feeling numb. I wake up feeling nothing, but finding my legs and arms going right into the kahki pants and black polo.

I paint on a face every morning, but I never take the extra time to see how it looks. I am so used to this routine, I dont need to see me to see makeup.

I feel a lose of desire. I feel a loss of passion. The simple tasks in my life I used to enjoy, I say Why bother? I have a pounding pain in the back of my head that reminds me every day.. I dont feel the same. I miss before. I miss the innocence of not knowing whats to come and that being ok because I was still in school. I miss the excitement of wanting to go home.

The only one who can feel my great sadness is Jake. A simple laying of his head on my lap and a little whine lets me know he loves me and he knows I am hurting. He doesn't leave my side.


Everything I felt so grateful for, feels like a blur in my memory. The only thing I can see is the great sadness.
The only thing the great sadness is letting me see cleary is anger. When I let it I feel angry. I want to scream. I want to tell you everything I am feeling, whether or not it is right or not. The great sadness makes me isolate myself from you. And it sucks my energy to wonder if that is the right thing to do or not.

The great sadness controls my thoughts my actions, my words. The great sadness has my in a stand still. What to look forward to, if your not in my life? Why enjoy the next step of my life if you are not there? Why put so much energy into how much i love you, if you can't feel or give love? The void you have left in my life has allowed the great sadness to come in. It sucks. I wanna make it leave, but I can't I am exhausted. I can't sleep without you haunting me in my dreams. I can't complete daily tasks because of the sadness, I cant speak to the ones I love because of the fear you have instilled in me and I can't reach for my dreams because I now have none.

So as this new year happens again, I dont make any resolutions because it's whatever my choice or action is that completes that resolution. Only because I have God in my life do I know the great sadness will not stay with me forever. But as I go through this loss, it's there. Whether I like it or not.

This life we live is like a falling snowflake

Life can be so precious, so magical, yet so upsetting. It's upsetting to think soon we will be rolling body parts of Mr. Snowman, but Mr. Snowman may have a lesson to teach.

Life is just there, it will come with good things and bad, but it is we as humans who decide what snow path we are going to roll our little ball of snow in, also known as our life. We are the ones who continue to roll that snow and allow it to pick up anything that comes into its path. The Mr. Snowman we see before anyone else sees it, is something we can achieve and strive for, and no one can take it away, when its in you, you hold it in your heart. We seem to forget how truly powerful we are. We can be the leader in our life, we can choose exactly what we want.

When it comes to those times we feel we can't chose what we want, is it what we think we want?
How many times in your life you thought at that moment you needed that position, that location, that person, that thing in your life, but you didn't get it? Did you want to blame someone? Did you think you weren't worthy of that want? Did you feel the world was out to get you and you'll never get what you want?

Did you forget that as powerful as we truly are there is someone even more powerful, someone who guides us in the right direction even when we feel we know exactly what we need.

How many times did you receive something even better than what you originally thought you wanted? What do you feel when you see nature plain and beautiful? What do you feel when you see that rainbow shining after a rain shower. Hold on to those moments those feelings, you are in control. You will make a difference and you will never have to go through it alone, or chose your path completely alone.

Psalm 20
In times of trouble may the Lord respond to your cry.
May the God of Israel keep you safe from all harm.
May be send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
May be remember all your gifts
and look favorably on your burnt offerings.
May he grant your heart's desire
and fulfill all your plans.
May we shout for job when we hear of your victory,
flying banners to honor our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.
Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed King.
HE will answer him from his holy heaven and
resuce him by his great power.
Some nations boast of their armies and weapons,
but we boast i n the Lord our God
THose nations will fall down and collapse
but we will rise up and stand firm

Give victory to our king, O Lord
Respond to our cry for help.