An update on the last few months of my life.. Believe

I guess you could say " My eyes have been opened, so I can see." In October my dearest friend was murdered. I found out when my parents were here visiting.... And today I thank God that he had him here with me....

Shock is an interesting experience.
I got in a car accident with Eric on our way back to NY from NC and I was in a tiny room and next to me I remember seeing the poster that said SHOCK and than had some description that seemed to put me more in "shock" Because I was in shock I couldnt remember my birthday! Heres a quick funny bit to that story...

In that room I had to go to the bathroom. They said that I could not get up and leave. I was begging them to let me get up and use the bathroom. The nurse comes in and says "here you can pee in this bucket right here in the bed."

MORTIFIED.. Seriously? I said to Eric I can't pee in this thing have my legs spread out and just pee what if someone walks in on me? That was my biggest fear.. someone walking in and seeing my uhh area!

I had to pee soo bad. I gave in.

And a male doctor walks in... I wanted to pass right out.. and in fact.. I did!!

Shock with a sudden death of a friend... puts you in a weird daze. A state of mind you never knew exisited.

When my parents left I broke down.  I could barely handle being without them and than losing Jonathan became difficult.
I have been up and down and all over with emotions since October.

It's funny that I feel I hang out with Jonathan more now than we did in the last year... I can feel him with me on certain songs...certain situations.. and certain people that have come into my life.

And that helps....and some days it really hurts..

Missing people though... I have done that since we started moving around when I was 12. I have made so many friends and have moved away from so many friends. Friends come and go in my life and to me thats the way it is.

Longing to see someone again... so I really thought I could handle death better...

Its not comparable.

But it does motivate you to get even more exited about heaven.. I truly can not wait to die!

Dont get me wrong, Im going to enjoy every moment here I can.. and try to please God in every way.. But Im so excited to go to heaven..

My mom is going to come visit me again.. In some ways I wanted to tell her no wait.. give it a few more months. I just accepted that Jonathan is dead a few weeks ago.

Just like that one night doing the dishes it was just a sudden realization..and I surprisingly felt a lot better.

So feeling like I have a bit of a handle on those emotions now my emotions start with my mom coming. And it takes every ounce of strength I have to have her come and than go....

Always missing people....

I am full of tears just thinking about it.

Which gets me to my long about way of inspiration for you today...

Believing. Believing that God is who God says he is.

Have you ever stopped and thought about that? God is who he says he is. That my friend is powerful.

Here's another powerful one for ya....

I am who God says I am....

We are free and so very loved in him. He has a glorious fruitful life planned for you.

" I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blame less. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.' Gen. 17:1-2
" I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.. I have indeed seen the misery of my people.. SO I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egytptians and to brign them up out of that land into a good and spacious land." (Exod. 3:6-8)

God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM."

Have you ever been afraid to ask God for something? Pray to him about something where you fear the answer?

I have and am still working on it. But yet I still continue to pray about it. I am not fearing what the answer will be. I am trusting that God has an answer that will work far better than I can imagine.

Beth Moore said this, " Faith is never the denial of reality. It is belief in a greater reality. In other words, truth may be that you are presently surrounded by terrifying or terribly discouraging circumstances."

Our promised land is the place where Gods personalized promises over your life become a living reality rather than a theological theory.

Ephesians 1:18-20 says "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

Ask God for something that you are scared of the answer to. He knew you before you were formed in your mothers womb. He has an incredible life planned out for you. You have to trust him and choose him. That's the thing.
We get to choose which way we will go. Every day. And every day we get another chance to choose him.

There is a big difference between trying to manipulate God to give us what we want and cooperating with God so he can give us what he wants. Our goal is the latter.

So  go ahead. Ask God what you have hesitations about.  The one thing that consumes your thoughts but you think it can only go one way. Ask him. Talk to him. And than most importantly wait for him and listen!

We serve such an amazing God. There are little miracles all around us everyday God is performing. He loves you to much to just settle.  He is always with us!

" For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My friends birthday... except he is not on this earth.

I have not wrote about Jonathan....not since he was murdered. Murdered. Can you believe it, one of my best friends, someone who I have some of the BEST memories with, was murdered, and the man who shot him, shot himself as well. A tragedy.

Today is his birthday. One day after my younger bro. Seths birthday. So I will always remember it. He would have been 31.

Shock enclosed my body for a few days.  How could Jonathan not be here anymore?
It's been really hard. I miss him so much. The only other person close to me in my life who has left this world was my grandpa. I did not attend his funeral because we lived in Virginia and they lived in Wisconsin.

My best friends funeral was my first one. Never would have guessed that. But I suppose it is our last first time experience together... man... we had so many good times.

I met Jonathan in Canandaiuga at Finger Lakes Community College. And in no exaggeration, those were the best years of my life. And those years Jonathan Eric and I were inseperable. We were wild, young, and free.  It took me 3 years just to get over missing Canandaigua and our times there... Many times Jonathan and I would agree and wish we could just relive those years..

I had not seen Jonathan in a whole year. Sure that doesn't seem too long when you are in the mood of having and raising babies, but when that person is gone, not here, a year seems like it is way more than 365 days...

About a week before Jonathan stood up to defend a girl and lost his life, I was thinking how we needed to get together he needed to meet Mackenzie....

You know if you are a parent of young kids, single people's lives just do not mesh. It was hard for us to get together..

I never took the time to call him...
Damn right.
But I have my guard up. I know there is a weakness for the devil to start to attack. I do not let him win. I rest in the fact that Jonathan and I were great friends and we loved each other dearly. I do not hesitate for a minute that he knows that.

2 days after I heard about Jonathan. He was in my head all day long. Making comments on my life, and joking with me. I am actually crying as I write this loving that he was with me, missing him right all over again. It makes you wonder about our spirits, watching over our loved ones.

In some ways his death opened my eyes to a life that can be so short and should never ever be taken for granted. He reminded me of who I am, that I am not just a mom. He reminded me of how much I love him and how he really was an amazing person in my life and also my husbands.

I am SO SO thankful for our memories we have. I am so thankful that he stood up in our wedding representing Eric and I. I am so thankful for his amazing family and knowing that he is with Jesus right now and how amazing it must be.

I am so thankful that Jesus tells me I will see him again. I am so thankful that I can feel Jonathan in so many things I do... but it's still hard. I am so glad that at the funeral his family shared stories to let us know that Jonathan and Jesus know each other.

Time heals wounds. That I know. So I am slow to my tears in knowing that it will pass and they will become less and that it is ok to be sad.

Today in honor of Jonathans birthday, we must drink. So I know that when my husband gets home we will drink... Its exactly what he would be doing, and he may even be doing in heaven.

I'll leave you with one of the many memories we share.

We were in Jonathans car man I can't even remember the kind it was, a bigger car that had some serious shocks going on.  We were just getting back from a party and I think we ended up leaving cuz we were bored. We pulled into the driveway of a pool and spa business. Jonathan Eric and I look at eachother. We smile.

"Wanna go in?"
"In our clothes?"
"Hell yeah."

Alright in and than out.

We get the nerve to go in. We are all in this little display pool outside on the corner of an intersection, laughing, smiling, nervously looking out for cops.

"Oh Shit, cops, duck."
Yep we went under water.
We pop out laughing and run out into his car. Wait was this car his grandmas? Or his moms. We get in the car wet nervous Jonathan drives off fast, nervous, he drives off the driveway onto the gravel of some sort, and he is really upset about the rocks and dirt getting under the car, because I cant remember whose car it was but he knew they would not be happy about it.
I remember giving him such a hard time, "Oh stop live a little, it will be fine" I said. I know he is smiling right now saying, Yes you were right Tas. Im glad we did everything that we did together. I miss you and I can't wait to hang out with you again....

Miss you so much....

Until we meet again...

It's been rough.

It's been rough. I have had highs and lows.

I have felt far and near from you.

And in this moment, all I want is to feel your comfort wrapped around me. For I do not know how I will take my next step without your guidance. When all else fails around me, I need my soul to rest in your embrace. Like the song says,

"For I am yours, and you are mine. "

Some mornings I wake up and say, " Again, I have to do this all over again?"  Hiding under the blankets is just not an option.

Some mornings I wake up to two little feet thump thump thump thump, and nothing but a big smile fills my entire body.

Some mornings I am awake, from the numerous times of being awake caring and tending and slowing my anger of getting no sleep, to just laying in my bed, wondering will my life lead to more?

And in all these moments, I am reminded "Let my faith be made stronger. Let me walk upon the waters"

Wher eever you would call me.

Some mornings I wake up and roll over and see the empty side of my bed, where its still slightly warm from my husbands presence. I sigh thinking when is the last time we cuddled in this bed? When is the last time we just looked at each other and said I love you without saying I love you.

Some mornings I open my eyes so fast and shoot my body straight up and grab my chest from the pain of a nightmare, a dream that slips over into reality, one where my brother needs me, he is weak and is crying out. But none of us can do anything in that moment, except for fall down on our knees and pray.

That same dream  I see my Mom with me and the girls getting a pedicure, but only my mom was a very old lady, and I think, How did time pass us by so fast?

Then  the pain in my chest reminds me of our physical distance, and those mornings I lay in bed and do not want to get out.

So in this stage of life right now, it is so challenging, and exhausting. There are moments that are etched in your heart and fill you with so much joy, and there are days where your tears fill your kitchen sink faster than your dishes.

I don't have any advice on how to really get through it, except for pray. Get down on your knees and surrender all your feelings to God. Get off Facebook seeing everyone who only posts the best moments in their life, because real life isn't a perfect picture. Raising kids isn't glorious every moment. We all struggle and we all succeed. There is only one who knows you so well, who designed and created your children for you, to you he gave these gifts. He believes in your efforts, your parenting. He loves you and wants you to seek him when you feel beat down and he will comfort you and love you endlessly.  And through that love you will get back up on your feet and carry on.

It will get better. :)

Yes I am saying all this to myself as well!

Together in Christ, we will succeed!

" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you may go." Genesis 28:15

My brother still fights..

It is truly amazing to think about the fact that I have two daughters and imagine the bond we will continue to deepen. All ready my girls are my world. But lately, I have been missing my mom so much it puts me in a fog. Really it's missing my family too, my dad, and my brothers.

When my first daughter was born my brother was extremely ill. I flew to North Carolina every couple months that first year. I took her on the plane for the first time when she was 2 months old and just two days before we left, she had a very congested lung and I had to bring a nebulizer with me. The nurse scared the crap out of me telling me if it gets worse take her to the ER right away..

I contemplated if I should go or not. But when I thought about my brother and what was happening to him the answer was obvious, Go.

Two and a half years it has been since my brother has been sick. I can't even say since he was diagnosed, because he is a "medical mystery".

It was the hardest year of my life. Looking back having a first baby was probably not as bad as I remember because I was so stressed from being away from my family with this medical crisis and not being able to do anything for any of them, especially Taylor.

We went down to the scariest point, slowly surfing back to the top, wondering if he would live to see another day.

Spirtually, my relationship with Jesus was on fire. I felt so close to him. I could feel him with me in every moment hear him and I stopped. Believed in an end to all the pain and suffering he was living with.

Now Taylor is at home, eating, and slowly doing better.  Eating.. he couldn't eat for so long. What a daily thing we take for granted. The taste of food, the choice. Just think so many of us get to chose whatever we want to eat.

Things haven't been so shaky for at least 10 months. Of course there have always been a few here and theres to the hospital. But after that first year much improvement.

And then my relationship with God seemed to dwindle a bit. Then I started to yearn for him everyday. When I didn't have any control over my brothers illness or my parents heartache, all I could do was pray.

It is amazing how just spending time talking with God every day changes everything in your view.

Now Taylor has to have another surgery. It looks like whatever this disease is, which they say it is resembling more Chron's but they really have no idea, is attacking him again.

He is 24 years old. He inspires me. He has shown such strength through all of this, so much I can feel my eyes well up with astonishment and sadness.
 Again it is so hard not being close to my family, wishing I could just pack up my life here and go there. The one thing I can do right now in this moment, is pray. Continue to be with God and feel comfort, encouragement, be reminded of those around me who are a blessing in my life, little reminders from God that he is here with us in everything that we do.

I will not fear the storm, my help is on the way.  I know that if we ask he will be there, and that even in times when we forget to ask, he is still there. It's when we open ourselves up that we feel him present in our life. Hearing things we may not wanted to hear, or seeing opportunities we may not have known existed.

"Helplessness is your best prayer. It calls from your heart to the heart of God 

with greater effect than all your uttered pleas." Ole Hallesby

It's our 5th anniversary and I get the look, " We are exchanging gifts?"

 So I celebrated my fifth wedding anniversary what a week ago now, and it was nice because my husband had been outta town for a couple weeks and he came home early Fri. morning.  Just having him home felt like a weight was lifted. He sees his present Riley and I wrapped for him and it was still sitting in her room, his expression is hilarious to me now, cuz it was OH SHIT, she got me something.

He did not have to say a word.

I knew right then and there he didn't get me anything, for our anniversary. AND he had all week to shop without ANY kids.....

For a second I wanted to start crying, the selfish thoughts came flooding through, " I was with the girls all week, I had to do everything around here, inside chores outside chores and still do everything for Habitat..." Then I stopped when I saw the joy on Rileys face with all of us together and in that moment I prayed and let it go.... who cares.... I kept reminding myself that later that evening we were going on a date!!

It has been several weeks since we did that.

So we go on our date. It was four wheeling on the trails behind our house. And it was my idea... It was SO MUCH fun. I loved it. Going 30 mphs on the quad took me right back to college and riding Erics motorcycle with him... We both enjoyed it and I felt like a kid again that wild sorta free feeling.

We got all muddy and found a huge spot where it was like a foot deep of water... Yeah we both took turns driving through that! It was a great night.

The next morning there it was... The devil doing his finest, trying to steal my joy. "YOUR HUSBAND DIDN"T GET YOU A PRESENT!" and you can imagine the other jabs that were thrown at me.
All weekend long I was being taunted with this. I have ass-ed gave it to God. And the devil is sneaky. I started justifying that fine, he didn't get me anything I will go out and buy something luxerious. ( which if you know me.. I need a deal and time to research to find a deal and get a quality product) But I was using the Im just gonna go out and impulse buy something... Like a big new area  rug for the living room..... But after a few days of that my heart didn't feel so clear, it was clouding up.

Then I let it slip one time, in a joking way that justified me saying it, " Well since you didn't get me anything for our anniversary....." It felt wrong as soon as it came out..

I finally said enough is enough. I am not going to attack my husband and do this over a material thing.  I spent some time in the word. I spent some time listening to nature and giving it to God. Truly surrendering those feelings and reflecting on the great relationship my husband and I have. I focused on all the good things. All the things he does around this house and what an awesome helper he is. How nine years ago today he walked into my dorm room and became everything to me.

He always spends time with the girls after a long day at work. He will always ask when I am making dinner if I need anything. He includes the girls in what he is doing he is always there involved in their daily things, as well as mine.

I didn't buy anything.

I don't need anything.

I truly have all that I need.

Of course I don't have the things I want.... but wanting is such a waste of time.

And the only way to cure a want is to focus on what you have and give everything you can.

I need God, I need his word. I need my husband.  I need to love.

And now we are growing closer together and we grow closer to God by doing daily devotions from the Love Dare devotions ( which the last message at church kick started this into gear for us!)  and I am excited for how this new time spent together will shape our hearts for others and one another.

So it's been a week and I laugh that my husband didn't get me a present and I am happy that I don't need to give in to society on the "norms" and that I can give it to God and not be tempted with holding onto something so materialistic against my husband.

And why shall I do this? Because love is the key. Genuine love is a master at reconciliations. When love takes over, it compels us to humbly apologize  and take full responsibility for our failures and fully forgive where our spouse has failed us over and over again.
Coriinthians 13:13

Let the good times roll!!!

Well today has been a day of complete and utter...... DITZYNESS... Yeah Ms. Ditzy.....

The morning started bright and early.. I set my alarm for 5:30a so I could enjoy one cup of coffee and spend some time with God...

My alarm went off. I hit snooze.

My alarm went off and I heard, "MOMMYYYY I'm awake, let's make some coffee."

I smile and think so much for getting up early. (Like I was gonna get up early anyways ha!)

And the I need this I want that, Can we do this, Lets go here begins...

My little Mackenzie didn't wake up til 7:30a so this was a great morning. Riley got her mommy attention and I got to focus on one...

I made some great progress at work today...

At the office went fine except for the as soon as I put Mackenzie in the sling she pukes everywhere...

So I head over to the Habitat Center for work. I go to change Kenzies diaper in the car. I lock my keys in there...

So thankful Pj our construction manager let me use his truck to go home and get my spare. So that wasn't so bad. While he watched Mackenzie another blessing!

Then I head over to Tops to get cash for babysitter for Riley. I put my water bottle on the hood of my car you know where your wipers are...

Never took it off.

I go to Tops..

 I already had to use my raincheck from last week for my Kashi Cereal. Then I realize the girl didn't write that you get an instant $5 off. So she had to spend 10 mins verifying that....

Then I get a phone call from a volunteer... So Im all in the conversation. I remember to get cash back.... But I just don't remember to grab the cash.

50 bucks left sitting in the self check out dish thing.

I go home to grab something that (right now my mind is crazy I have no idea) and then I remember..

THE CASH... I drive back to Tops ask the cashier at u scan.

She says "oh that was your cash? yeah a guy grabbed it." She said hang on. I felt sooo relieved someone gave it back..

Then she says to me I have to call themanager. I ask her why what is the situation?

She said the guy after me came up and she thought it was his cash so she said, "Sir your cash." He grabbed it and walked out.

So my great deal of Kashi cereal being a buck... not so much!

Thank God my husband is picking up his truck today.... That will lighten the mood!


So two things I am reminding myself today about this.

1. I could have locked Mackenzie in the car. I did not. A Win!
2. The man who grabbed my cash may have just needed it more than me. Maybe he needs it for a bill or has kids... :)
3. I am so thankful for my husband who works so hard that I was able to take out another $50 and this didn't ruin our whole budget...
4. Things could have been much much worse

But.....

We do still have to drive out to Bergen to pick up his truck... There is much more to this day!

And in it I am reminded that life happens. Even when you are a christian and trust in God. Believing in him doesn't shield you from our world, the choices and actions of others... But it's in these times that he can give us the feelings of peace, comfort and knowing he is with us.

No worries. That is what I love most about knowing God. He will take care of us.

" Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble of be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!- Joshua 1:9

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Today was a moment with Spring.....snakes..snakes...and snakes.

Alrighty, owning a home I have learned each spring to accept the acts of nature and carry on about my day..

Today, it has been a struggle. I am writing this still in shock.

This morning starts out great, because at 8:30a it was FIFTY, that means a warm day is coming and after a long winter, nothing can make you want to be inside, except for snakes.

Last year on our trail I got to the point where I would see snakes slithering away and didn't do my very girly something like this scream, " AHHUUGHHHHSHHHH.... SHIT!"

For the sake of my daughter I try to stay calm... now its just a " UGHHHH" whooo...