I don’t know how I feel. I mean of course I am ecstatic about MY wedding. The one thing you know is the biggest moment in your life before having a child. I am so thankful to be truly in love to be able to want and get married. Yes I am very happy, and even though it’s a lot of planning and all the talk about money, stress. I feel completely at peace with the money part. What is weird is that I have 50 bucks in my account and Eric isn’t too far from that, but, I am not worried at all. It makes me smile. It deepens my relationship with God.
But Aside from the happiness the planning the busyness of it all, I feel something that I can’t quite explain with words. It’s like I keep running my hand open high over a flame, I can feel the heat, but I am left moving back and forth a wide gap to try to pinpoint where that flame was started.
I know that everything will work out, and that I have so much to look forward to in life. But, I guess what keeps my hand searching might be stress, life, the fact that I feel like after the wedding, there isn't any more day dreaming. It’s real life. The years in college are now supposed to go into practice. I am now expected to know everything that my degree says: B.A- Journalism. What is scary is the media world yes, but scarier is thinking about hot to balance the career and a family.
Life never goes as you plan. It sure didn’t for me. I did NOT want anything but to go to NYC and become a writer for some big name magazine. I would have started as the assistant’s assistant, but, of course a boy came.
I know that Eric was meant to come and I wasn’t meant to go to NYC. But I am still hoping that I am meant to do something important with my career. Somehow someway, I just have to become successful in writing, somehow.
It’s scary to think about the fact that all in one year I graduate from college, get married, and move to a brand new state and city, and hoping to find a job in Journalism.
What is scarier is question your own abilities, asking your self over and over, Can I do that? Is that for me? Then once you enter that work field, the constant comparison comes, wow, she’s really good. I can’t do that. Defeat comes in.
I guess that’s when I have really nothing to fear, because I know that I don’t have to give in to those negative thoughts, the pressures of a false media and demand. All I do is give in to god, all my worries my thoughts, me weakness; and he will say I know, it’s ok. Let me take care of it.
So why do we still live in fear, and have the moments when we just want to lay on the floor in the dark listening to music dangerously loud to drown out those voices?
I guess the only answer is, we are human. We feel it all.
So I guess it’s ok to feel all these emotions, but what I need to keep in check, is the fact to give the feelings to God, Don’t let yourself build a wall of all the questions and fears. You can’t build a wall before you have even gotten to where you think you need to be. Don’t trap yourself. And as always loud music is great therapy to a day, or confusion.
Another good one, spend some time with God, in whatever way he speaks to you. It doesn’t have to be church, even the bible; it could be walking in the woods, or praying or getting together with other Christians. God speaks to us all differently, just don’t be scared.
