Everyone gets excited when the sun is out and we start to say good bye to those grey cold days. It doesn't matter that it is only 38 degrees out, with the sun we feel rejuvenated we feel hope that spring is near.
This time is usually exciting but yet.. I can't find the excitement. I am so happy and thankful that we are completely redoing our downstairs bathroom, but yet I can't let that thing make me smile all day long. The truth is.. since Christmas and this whole thing started, I have good days and bad days, when all I should be having is good days. My relationship with my dad became stronger because of it and with Taylor my brother too, but inside I am falling apart about it. Who do I talk to about it? How do I deal with it?
Where do you start when it has 25 years of stories to go through to explain what is happening now? How do I watch her hurt so many people including me and we have always gone back to running to her, covering up the bruises and scars.
This situation has exercised my faith all right. There were days that were so hard to wake up if I didnt grab my bible next to me and fuel up on the truth I would not have gotten up. I could not have found the strength to go to work every day and put on my fast fun and friendly attitude. The thing is its nice to go to work when people don't really know you because when you have a deep pain you can hide it for 8 hours of your day and not have someone ask a question where tears form instantly in your eyes that are screaming for an answer to this madness.
What happened you may be asking? I just cant bring myself to talk about it all yet. Not when I dont know how to deal with it, not when I have lost the strength to deal with it. I feel numb to her now. And that totally sucks because its my mom. I want to have a baby soon, this year maybe but I can't do it without having that relationship with my mom like we used to, or pretended too, these days I dont know where the truth is and i am not sure what to grab at, because i am so scared that once I grab it I'll be let down again./
I suppose writing scrambled thoughts from my brain helps, not that this should make sense to anyone reading it. Maybe not yet anyways.
All i know is life makes so many unexpected turns and not all the time you are going to be prepared or know how to handle them. I know it's ok to feel angry feel numb but I do know I can't just sit here and swallow in my own emotions. I know I need to pray about this continue to look to god for my strength continue to read bible scriptures that may be fantasy made up but ring in so much truth, comfort and hope because God knew exactly what he was doing all those years ago because those bible scriptures still apply to life today, and they still carry you through the good times and the bad.
So yeah.. maybe I am having a few down days and i can't find the strength to smile for more than 8 hours but I know I will get through this and there will be good things to come. I know God has a plan for this... even though its hard as hell to see through it.
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